December has begun!

Good Evening (or morning or afternoon depending on when you are reading this).

I have been away from this blog for too long and I felt I needed to post something to move past the Thanksgiving post. I am back in Portland after having a fabulous time in Phoenix. I loved getting together with those I was able to and as usual I wish we had more time. I also missed a few people this trip and I wish that had not happened. Either way I was truly happy and ready to be heading back home. I enjoy visiting Phoenix but more and more, Portland is becoming my home. I was a little homesick while I was in Phoenix. I spent a lot of time wishing you all were visiting me and we could go out to eat at Pambiche, the little Cuban restaurant near me. It is truly good to be home.

Unfortuantely, school is back in session and I am completely not ready for it. I want another week or 2 off. Of course we usually don't get what we want.

I may have landed a teeny tiny part time job.... I will know for sure after Thursday! Woo!

I failed to finish my NANOWRIMO novel this year. I hit 16,000 in the first week and then the two school classes just got in the way. I ended with 26,000 words, yep, 10,000 words in 3 weeks versus 16,000 in one week. I am not planning on quitting just because I failed to finish in a month, I plan to get going on it again soon. I had some people, Betty being the most vocal, who were wondering when I would be posting a fictional story on here again. I am working on one called Time. As soon as it is done, or halfway done, I will post it.

I want to tell you guys some more stuff.... lets see.....

I bought Generation Dead for Jessica to read and she was enjoying it last I checked. I gave her permission to loan it out so you may want to bother her about it if you want to read it.

I saw Quantum of Solace while in Phoenix with my mom and Becky. I loved it. I am not so sure Becky did even though she was interested in it because Judi Dench was in it. She apparently thought it was going to be more Pride and Prejudice and less James Bondish. Of course she was right about it not being a typical Bond movie, this new Bond is not really your typical Bond, he kicks butt and never actually gets around to asking questions or being suave. I actually really like the new Bond, so much so that I own Casino Royale and plan to purchase Quantum of Solace. I do not own any other Bond movie. Usually once I have seen them I have no desire to see them again. Just to be perfectly clear, I think this was a good flick and one you should go see.

One of my favorite books, Lovely Bones, was written by Alice Sebold. She has written a new book called the Almost Moon and I picked up a hard cover copy super cheap while I was in Phoenix. It is a horrible story so far, I don't mean poorly written, it is not poorly written just very crazy. I will finish it and do a review as this book is pretty intense.

I picked up J.K. Rowlings latest book today, Tales of Beedle the Bard. It has five fairy tales including the one alluded to in Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (the 7th book). It was a quick read (under an hour) and the fairy tales were not too bad, with good morals in them. If you have a young Harry Potter fan you might want to get this for them, I plan to hold onto it and keep it in my future classroom.

I have stretched this entry enough and will soon end it. First... one last thing, I have pictures from my trip, most notably some fantastic shots from the Desert Botanical Garden featuring Dale Chihuly's glass artwork. I will clean them up and put them in a slide show sometime this week.

Your humble blogenator, Mike

P.S. HOLIDAY CARDS are in production by me... I need addresses!!!! Get your free Christmas Card filled with random lies and made up events! A revered and time honored holiday tradition 2 years in the making.

Pheww!

Hey all!

What a week! I want to thank my mom for all her help with my lesson plans. I think they definitely were lifted up a notch because of your guidance. I am looking forward to a homework free week! YAY!!

I absolutely can't wait until I am down in Phoenix hanging with the other half of my peeps. I hope everyone has a good week and a good Thanksgiving if I fail to see you this holiday.

Mike

P.S. It is holiday season and I love sending Christmas cards out, those that have recieved them in the past have enjoyed some fantastic lies and falsehoods about my year. I would love to SEND YOU a FREE Christmas card. I am asking for an address only, no need to reciprocate with a card back. Email me your address at crazedlunatik@gmail.com and you will make the list!

Misrepresenation is a dish best served cold!

FIRST: I know misrepresenation is not a word and that the closest word to it should be spelled misrepresentation. I am not trying to talk about misrepresentation; I am speaking of Misrepresenation, the nation. Read further to see what I am on about...

SECOND: This is the 2nd part of a 2 part rant.... they kind of interlink. Kind of.... The first part is called "Procrastination across the nation! Misrepresenation that is!"

Back to the critics. I was reading the early reviews of Twilight. Let's clarify something here... I read this book and liked it. I read the other 3 in the series and they were OK but the first was good. I read the other 3 mainly due to the hook Stephenie Meyer ensared me with during my voracious reading of the first book. Going in I knew this was aimed at teen girls..... so when it delivered a silly and dreamy romance, I was neither upset nor surprised. This book is not pretending to be R-Rated.... the two characters don't even "make love" until they get freaking married in the 4th book! Of course after they get married and Bella becomes all vampy they are at it like rabbits! Knowing this was a book not geared toward me helped me realize what to expect, and I enjoyed the experience. My dad did not enjoy his reading adventure with this series but that was because I was hooked and kept rambling about how good it was and set super high expectations. It was like a drug, until about a month after I read the final book I just couldn't stop talking about it; sorry pop. I enjoyed it and I freely admit that (without shame even). I, of course, have moved on and fully endorse these other teen genre books:

The House of Night series - Another teen vamp book but a little edgier and with a different slant, the world has vampires and all vampires pop out of ordinary teens when they turn 16, blood exchanges not necessary. The 5th book is being released next year and I can't wait.

13 Reasons Why - This book has quite an interesting concept. It deals with a male survivor of another person's suicide (a person that he had a huge crush on). He receives 7 tapes after she kills herself, 13 recorded sides, explaining why she killed herself. This is the only non-series book on this list.

Generation Dead - Dead teenagers are coming back to life and instead of craving brains they are craving acceptance and a place in society. I signed on to follow this author's blog as I am eagerly awaiting the sequel and happened to also enjoy his blog http://watersdan.blogspot.com/.

I got a little distracted..... OK, my point was Twilight is really aimed at teen girls. It has plenty of adult fans, two of my last teachers (including my current teacher) love the books and we talked about them in depth. However, the bread and butter is a decade or two younger then I am. That is also who the movie is aimed at. So what is with all this silly bashing of the movie because it is aimed at teenage girls? So freaking what!? They don't get a movie aimed at them? Only dorky comic book fans (I am one of these people too) can get a movie? And now some quotes I shall mock:

"I’m sure this love story seems profound to young readers with only a vague understanding of the vampire myth, but anyone with even a basic understanding of the plot of Dracula knows that forbidden vampire love is a pretty damn conventional part of the genre that really offers nothing new." - Charles Varrick for Martiniboys.com http://www.martiniboys.com/Montreal/Twilight:-Movie-Review-movie-1146_page2.html

Hmm.... Nothing new. I guess besides a vampire book not filled with blood, insane violence, lacking a super evil vamp guy hungry for a ladie's virtue, and something that is completely aimed at teen girls. TOTALLY UNORIGINAL! Yes, please bring on the same ol' blood, violence and cliched bad vampire story.

"Twilight" will mesmerize its target audience, 16-year-old girls and their grandmothers. Their mothers know all too much about boys like this. I saw it at a sneak preview. Last time I saw a movie in that same theater, the audience welcomed it as an opportunity to catch up on gossip, texting, and laughing at private jokes. This time the audience was rapt with attention. Sometimes a soft chuckle, as when the principal Indian boy has well-developed incisors. Sometimes a soft sigh. Afterwards, I eavesdropped on some conversations. A few were saying, "He's so hot!" More floated in a sweet dreaminess. Edward seemed to stir their surrender instincts. - Roger Ebert; Chicago Sun-Times (pick a name you dyslexic paper!), http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20081119/REVIEWS/811199997

What is with the hate man? His whole article basically bashes the young ladies for being naive enough to fall in love with a movie about mismatched and ill-fated love. Yeah, screw you too Willy Shakespeare! I guess he only likes movies with cross-dressers, boring plots, senseless violence, and random nudity (like: The Valley of the Dolls).

Bad Article Titles:

'Twilight' barely gets the blood flowing - Claudia Puig; USA Today (yeah bubblegum light of the entire newspaper industry is mocking something for not being deep....) http://www.usatoday.com/life/movies/reviews/2008-11-19-twilight_N.htm
Twilight lacks bite - Edmonton Sun (I am looking for a page 3 girl, it looks like the London rag with the topless ladies), http://www.edmontonsun.com/Entertainment/MovieReviews/2008/11/20/7470366-sun.html
Dear diary: My guardian angel is a vampire! - James Sanford (not a bad review just a silly and funny title) Kalamazoo Gazette http://www.mlive.com/movies/index.ssf/2008/11/dear_diary_my_guardian_angel_i.html
'Twilight' fans stake hearts on vampire romance - Karina Bland; Arizona Republic http://www.azcentral.com/arizonarepublic/arizonaliving/articles/2008/11/20/20081120twilightfans1120-CP.html

Please! Pretty Please! Pretty, pretty, pretty please (with sugar on top) more cliches! Not only do the cliche's abound in the reviews' titles most of the reviews are filled with them. Sad!

My pet peeve is not that they did not like the movie. That is fine, dislike the movie, hate the acting, mock the crappy special effects and wish it had been better. My pet peeve is when they senselessly bash a whole segment of people. So a gaggle of young girls are rushing to this movie and swooning over the dude playing Edward Cullen (the chalky faced lad who is the vampire partner of Bella), where is the harm? Why make fun of them simply because they liked it and your OLD ASS didn't? I think the other problem is a lot of people didn't bother themselves with details like: it is a bubblegum vampire love story for young girls! The story should not be a silly little overlooked fact! Instead of spending 5 minutes googling the book and realizing what it is and who it's for, let's spend the entire review mad that the movie was exactly what the books are. BUY A CLUE! Spend a few minutes familiarizing yourself with the story. YOU GET PAID TO REVIEW MOVIES PUT IN SOME FREAKING EFFORT!!!
(HEY! My ignorance of Beowulf is not the issue people, unless you start paying for my reviews. Don't go off on tangents, only I can do that. If you insist on going off on tangents start your own pointless blog!)

Just so you know not all the reviews of this movie are bad, a lot are pretty positive and seem to get what the movie is and who it is for.

CASE IN POINT: This guy is actually funny and does a seemingly more fair review of the movie. He notes the intended audience, some of the drawbacks and even the good points. Here is a quote of a warning he includes to parents and all those who show up not possesing that ever elusive clue:

-- Advisory: This movie contains some violence and sensuality. This material also attracts packs of girls with extremely high-pitched voices, who will scream every time their favorite character comes onscreen. Bring earplugs, or sit at least six rows away from anyone female between the ages of 12 and 15. - Peter Hartlaub; San Francisco Chronicle; http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cgi?f=/c/a/2008/11/20/DDC8147DP2.DTL

Like sitting away from the girls will help.....

Random:
Apparently the town in the novel exists http://seattlepi.nwsource.com/movies/388508_twilightforks20.html

This guy had the funniest review of them all. I am assuming he was deliberately misinterpreting the point of the story to enrage the fans. He did a good job. Anyway he compares Twilight to the Twilight Zone and pretends (I hope) that he does not know they have nothing to do with each other.
"Twilight" has to be one of the worst adaptations of a television show that has ever been produced. It simply fails to capture the magic of the old television series. From 1959 to 1964, one of the most inventive shows ever broadcast, "The Twilight Zone," thrilled television audiences. Co-written and hosted by Rod Serling, it was an amazing series and one whose 148 individual installments viewers continue to enjoy today. Now comes along this new version with the shortened title "Twilight." They should have chosen a different title: "The Twilight Crap." - Ronald Birkow; Dateline Hollywood, http://www.datelinehollywood.com/dateline_hollywood/2008/11/review-twilight-is-a-horrible-adaptation-of-the-original-twilight-zone.html

A sample of the extremely enraged fans:

Are you stupid or just living in a cave???? This movie has NOTHING TO DO with the Twilight Zone! Its not supposed to!

It is based on the series of four novels by Stephenie Meyer, one the increasingly heralded authors of our time. It is a phenomenon in America and across the world and you somehow have seen the movie already and think that it is supposed to be coming from the Twilight Zone????

You are a poor excuse for a journalist, and frankly, a disappointment and failure as a writer. Do some background research and maybe get a job at McDonalds since it looks like you fail as a journalist. - Katelyn

umm.... i think you need to get FIRED due to your LACK of research as a journalist!!! I would be EMBARRASSED if i were you to print up a review without even knowing what the movie was based on and quite frankly a bit scared due to the phenomenal FANBASE this movie has that is going to TEAR you up for this misrepresenation of a best-selling book!!!! LOL - tina

I can't help it. Excuse me, tina, first of all let's start with your name the "t" should be a "T" and the "i" used in reference to yourself should be "I". Holy run-on: "I would be EMBARRASSED if i were you to print up a review without even knowing what the movie was based on and quite frankly a bit scared due to the phenomenal FANBASE this movie has that is going to TEAR you up for this misrepresenation of a best-selling book!!!!" I love it! Misrepresenation? Is that near Mexico, I did not know there was a nation called Misrepresenation. And finally: Contrary to popular belief, LOL, is not a word.

OK I think this dual-post is complete....... for now. Don't worry I wrote a sentence or two for my lesson plans while writing this monster.

P.S. Do not get all huffy about me mocking that girl's post. I happen to love run-on sentences and use them a lot in my blogging. If you need proof, read these two entries again.

P.P.S. If someone could assist me... I am trying to book a flight to Misrepresenation... I can't seem to find it listed at Southwest Airlines or Orbitz...

Procrastination across the nation! Misrepresenation that is!

FIRST: I know misrepresenation is not a word and that the closest word to it should be spelled misrepresentation. I am not trying to talk about misrepresentation; I am speaking of Misrepresenation, the nation. Read "Misrepresenation is a dish best served cold!" to see what I am on about...

SECOND: This is the first part of the two post rant.

I feel like I am becoming predictable..... every time I am avoiding homework I write a blog entry. The last week of my reading class has an intense level of homework and so I am really not wanting to do it. I feel like kicking someone but I know assault charges would ony hinder my current career goals so instead I am writing 2 very large blog entries. I talked to my friend, a few hours ago, about the various stresses this week's pile o'homework has caused and the fact that she and I both practice the fine art of procrastination. Now, we always get everything done with a pretty decent grade on all the papers, reports and lesson plans we have to produce but we spend a few hours at the end of the week whining to each other over the phone about the homework that we find ourselves mired in. While commiserating our current situation, she happened to mention a Spongebob episode where he has to write a paper and keeps allowing everything become a distraction; feeding Gary, watching Gary eat to insure no choking, cleaning his room and all sorts of things. We laughed about it because it is a mirror image of what we go through each week, not that we plan to make any changes. Just so you know, I am starting 2 days earlier than normal because of the staggering pile I have in front of me. So, yes, this blog entry is an avoidance of homework and I hope that does not offend any of the "Don't put off 'til tomorrow..." crowd.

In an effort to make my homework go smoother, I went to the library to grab the book I am attempting to create 3 more lesson plans about. Of course it wasn't there (or in any of the other branches as all these stupid little kids are reading it at home, completely ruining the reason children's books are written! Which of course is so that stupid people in education programs can make crappy lessons about these cute books and ruin them completely for every child in America if the lesson ever gets used in a real classroom). But I am not one to waste a trip to the library. So I wandered the aisles and found a book about Living Dead CSI.... totally and completely vital information for me to read! I also found three movies that I had been sort of wanting to see, kind of. Million Dollar Baby (I hate Hillary Swank, I have no reason for it but I do. The reason I read it was it has been recommended to me a lot. I am positive it will suck but at least I don't have to pay for it!), Rescue Dawn (I have no idea either), and Beowulf. So now I will direct some pent up homework ire at Beowulf.

A Mini Rambling Review of Beowulf

OK, two things you should know.
1. I have no idea what this was rated or if anyone saw it.
2. I know absolutely nothing about Beowulf.

Now lets examine these two points... It is rare that I pay attention to other people's reviews of movies unless I personally know that individual. Roger Ebert is absolutely unreliable, have you seen the movie that bears his name The Valley of the Dolls? Crap. Leonard Maltin.... I would never listen to a guy that looks or talks like that. The other reviewers (critics) are not even people I know the name of so we won't break down why they are no nothing poop heads (I wanted to sound smart with that last put down, did it work?). If someone I know tells me something I will listen, even when it is my dad telling me all the reviewers (yes, the ones I don't listen to) panned whatever movie I am excited about. I'll get back to these silly reviewers shenanigans in a moment...

That brings us back to Beowulf. Who? And I should care because? Here is the thing with "classics" they are usually written in a way that a 70 page story requires a 400 page book to explain all the details in order for you to understand the story. It is difficult to read and totally an unrewarding practice, as someone will come along and make a terrible movie out of it eventually. Although, after some conversations with my niece I am reading The Inferno and enjoying it. I burst into tears of laughter when I tried to read aloud and hit a bit a spot of trouble saying "Though thou art". To my credit, I had read nearly an entire Cano by the time that combination of words derailed me into a fit of giggles. Anyway as far as Beowulf goes I did not know he existed until shortly before the movie came out and then I saw the twerp everywhere.

The movie. If you saw the ads you may remember it looked pretty realistic for a computer generated movie which is why I was interested. While watching the movie I saw that they spent so much time on the close up face shots that they forgot that the characters should also move smoothly, they look like poorly animated robots. Angelina Jolie's character was the smoothest and best rendered character but both you and I know that this is because some pervy computer geek painstakingly detailed every pixel as carefully and lovingly as possible.

Then the vocalization of Beowulf.... talk about a lot of yelling that is barely understandable. "IAMBAYOWUL" Yeah.... thanks but keep your day job. The vocalization of Beowulf made me hate him the minute he appeared on screen and then the whole fighting Grendel naked thing? Really cgi rendered man butt? I could have done with a loin cloth at least, thank you very much.

The story? Some king has his village attacked by some deformed dude named Grendel. He lets it be known that any heroes that come and kill this deformed dude will be given them half his kingdom's gold. Like the next day Beowulf is there... but apparently it is actually a while later, yet they give no indication of how long or how many wannabe heroes are bested before he arrives on their shore. Either way he comes in bragging about how he is pimp of the century or some such crap. They (he and his men) drink a lot and he hits on the queen. Then he gets naked to go to sleep and await this Grendel dude. Of course Grendel comes, gets his deformed ear drum burst (yuck!), and his arm ripped off (by a naked dude that has speech problems). Somehow, he dies but not until he comes back to his mommy (Angelina Jolie). We find out the king fathered this monstrosity after being seduced by Angelina... how can you blame him? Anyway she is super mad and decides to strike back and lures Beowulf to her place where she seduces him within 5 seconds.... Talk about a fine moral fiber and courageous dude. Anyway when he gets back he lies and says she is dead, the king knows he is lying. He decides to hand his kingdom to Beowulf and then commits suicide (I said I don't know already).

Years later: Beowulf is a crabby whiny king with no soul. A dragon attacks his kingdom, the dragon is his son he made with Angelina (why his son is not malformed I don't know, stop asking). So he has to kill the dragon... and what about Angelina? She is left alive to seduce again. Anyway in the aftermath of the silly battle, Beowulf's right hand man refuses to listen to Beowulf's deathbed confession. His right hadnd man becomes king (I can only assume Beowulf only fathered the demon dragon dude) and we are left with the possibility that Angelina is seducing the new king....

So what I learned about Beowulf is that he was a fraud, liar and coward. Fantastic.... skip this movie!

See "Misrepresenation is a dish best served cold!" for the continued rant that takes on critics....

What a week!

I am glad that week is over. I had some fantastic times and some grueling completely irritating times. With the end of last week, the worst classes I have ever taken, since my undergraduate degree, also ended, the class on Adolescent Development. Before I get all weepy and celebratory I want to dwell on the good things.

I have a friend named Edie who I used to work with at the evil insurance company. She also writes a blog, Displaced Brooklynite - http://adisplacedbrooklynite.blogspot.com/. It has not been updated since President-Elect Obama was elected but we shall forgive her non-writing ways since I have a tendency to fall off the radar as well. Anyway we had tried to meet up at the Wordstock event but had failed miserably and we resolved to meet for a cup of coffee and a lively discussion of her trip to France. What happened in reality was a day long event of shopping, eating and drinking. We had a good time and I visited some places I would never have walked into on my own. Some of those were women's clothing stores but another was a little eatery downtown and a nice little bar. Anyway we had a great time.

That was a great escape from reality, which was a group paper and presentation on why a junior high school should become a middle school for the Adolescent Development class. And another lesson plan for my Reading class. Apparently becoming a middle school is more then a mere name change, there is meaning behind the words; it was probably the most boring topic in the history of the world. Once again something that had nothing to do with learning to become a teacher was what we were tasked with for an assignment. How knowing the difference between a middle school and a junior high school will help me teach is beyond me. I figure either one will work for me as long as they pay me. This assignment was bad but not as bad as pretending to Be Erickson and assess our own adolescent experiences in the context of his theory. My attempt was comical at best.

Anyway I got home after that long day of lighting up the town and I was exhausted. So within an hour of getting home I was in bed. Unfortunately sleep was elusive that night and kept slipping through my fingers. I ended up tossing and turning and managed 4 hours of sleep before I gave up and went out to the living room and watched a movie and surfed the net. I stumbled across a web exclusive show called Gemini Division and was instantly intrigued. It is at NBC.com and they have 60+ episodes already. It is set in the future and is sci-fi in nature. It has some recognizable actors in it and it seems to be set in front of a green screen. Some graphics are better then others. Anyway I watched that until it was time to go to court.

No.... I didn't do anything bad. I was there to serve Jury Duty and I was allowed to sit in a room and drift in and out of consciousness from 8 AM until about 2:30 PM. That was when my name was called and I went in to a room for jury selection. I am too dang nice or honest looking because I was picked to serve on the jury. It was a criminal case and it was a complete and total mess. The case would end up bleeding over into Thursday and tie up a day and a half. The complete incompetence of the two attorneys and the strangeness of the case were amazing. We ended up only convicting the defendent of one count and not the other. If you want to know more about the case just post a comment and I will go into detail... of course with names altered to protect those involved.

As a result of the sleep deprivation and being on a trial that kept me occupied for a day and a half no homework was done Wednesday and only one slide was made for the presentation by the end of Thursday. Part of my reluctance to do the assignment came directly from apathy. I did not care about this topic nor had I bothered to understand it. Friday was spent doing everything but homework and I was at Barnes and Noble when my friend Cat called to ask me some questions about the assignments facing us. She reminded me that we had to go out the next night (after class) to celebrate slaying the demon that was this class. So I went home and got busy. I wrote a snippet for the paper and turned my one slide and couple paragraphs in for the assignment. I had essentially done the minimum on an assignmentand felt a little guilty but I got over it. Then I began hammering out the assignment for my reading class. This class has been kicking my butt. Well both have been but this class especially. I was working on the third lesson plan, the first two had not went over that well, and I was hoping that the third one was the charm. I am still up in the air about how well it was received but this week I need to make 2 more and clean up the mistakes in the first three and turn them in as an integrated unit. It is ridiculous.

Anyway we went to class Saturday and did our presentation and went through our dog and pony show. I pretended I cared and got involved in the discussion because the first class we had with this teacher had resulted in no participation points for me. My problem stemmed from not having ever fantasized what my future classroom would look like one day and so I had nothing to add and so she felt it necessary to grill me on the topic. I came up with some stupid ideas but since she had to call on me and I had not volunteered I got low participation points. So I decided to talk a lot in class but I still did not get full participation points. How irritating! I have a few choice words for her but I will not share them here. Anyway we muddled through the class, all 5 of us, yes there were only 5 people taking the class and we all hated it. Then as Cat and I were discussing where to eat while leaving another classmate mentioned he was stranded until 5:30 and it was only 3:30. He had been dropped off by his wife and had been sure the class would run the entire class time because the teacher had said as much. Even though she had only one presentation to watch and nothing really to discuss, she managed to drag the class on for 2 hours when in reality it was 50 minutes of material tops. Anyway we had him hop in the car and he, Cat and I had some nosh at McCormick and Schmick. They have a happy hour with fantastic prices as the non-happy hour prices are out of my ball park. After much belly aching about the class and laughter was had we dropped him off and parted company. Cat and I ended up hanging out later that night and our 4 stop tour included Pambiche, which is a fantastic Cuban restaurant. A place everyone should experience. It was a good time.

So a weird and fun week came to a close.

Heckler - A Rambling Review

I was walking through the local video store, when I should have been writing a paper or two for school, and something caught my eye. It wasn't the first time this particular video had caught my eye and I knew I had to rent it. (No, it had no naked ladies on the cover promising to do inappropriate things) You simply can't walk past a movie over and over again, stop to read the back, think "Man that looks interesting" and not take it home eventually. So I rented it....

It should have been interesting. The cover was interesting, the people that took part in it were all famous and successful people..... so what went wrong? Nothing. It was a good flick. The movie is called Heckler and it was made by Jamie Kennedy in response to being heckled during live shows and some seriously brutal reviews. Jamie Kennedy has had a crazy backlash after movies like Malibu's Most Wanted and Son of the Mask. I have seen Malibu's Most Wanted and the movie is completely retarded but it is supposed to be. It works for what it is, a ridiculous naive rich white kid attempts to "keep it real" while spending time in the "ghetto". You don't walk away enlightened but what is wrong with you if you expected to? I have not seen Son of the Mask... so I have no opinion about it. I didn't even know that there was a movie called Son of the Mask. I am getting off track a bit..... and you probably thought "A Rambling Review" was just a clever name and not an apt title. So, without further ado, I give you my review of HECKLER!



The movie starts by displaying the word heckler and supplies a definition.

Heckler (noun) one who tries to embarrass, harass and/or annoy someone speaking or performing in public with gibes, questions and objections. Someone who provokes to affect a performer in a critical or negative way.

It starts off showing an example of Jaime getting heckled and then interjects comedians, movie stars, directors and sports stars being interviewed about their take on hecklers. They continue to go from interviews and splices of people getting heckled and their responses to those people. They have David Cross, Joe Rogan, Louie Anderson, Paul F. Tompkins, Vince August (who has a scene with a fantastic come back to someone heckling him as he completely rips the rug from under her feet), Lewis Black, David Alan Grier, Dave Attell, Jon Lovitz, Bill Maher, Craig Ferguson, Paul Rodriguez, Mike Ditka, Andrew "Dice" Clay and a lot more. It is a documentary of how people who entertain you feel about the abuse you dish out to them while they are doing their jobs. The comments they make in the interviews combined with the clips of these comedians handling the hecklers are absolutely fantastic. I was laughing hard and the harder they came at these hecklers the more I laughed. They have a clip of Bill Hicks going absolutely crazy when a woman yells "You suck!" at him. He is so mad that he just keeps verbally bashing her but the entire time it was hysterical. Brilliant.

They then kick it up a level by having Jaime talk to some of his hecklers and hear what they have to say. The scenes are slightly uncomfortable but that is what is pretty amazing about it. He sits there and listens and asks for more detail... Who does that? It was brutally fantastic.

Then they move on to critics. This is where I found out that Jamie Kennedy made a movie called Son of the Mask. I knew people had universally panned Malibu's Most Wanted but they do that to all movies that are like it. Critics don't seem to like silly, funny movies. They like art films and movies that have "meaning". Or at least that is what I get from reading critics' reviews. I stopped reading critics' reviews before seeing a movie because that guy/gal does not know me enough to make a recommendation for me.... and I like to see it, possibly review it and then find out what others said.

WAIT. WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?

Yes, you are right I critique movies from time to time. So this is about me too isn't it? I guess the simple answer is yes. For every movie I have told you to go see I have definitely ripped one apart. Just take a look at last month where I tore apart The Happening. So how can I sit here and judge these other critics? How can I pretend that I am any better then they are? Well let's get this straight right now. I am a critic and so is every other person on the planet. The only difference is some people feel the need to publish their critiques and some people actually get paid for what they publish. I fall into the first category, occasionally I either see a movie I liked or disliked enough to write about. I would even say I have tended to write more about movies I disliked then movies I liked because they are more fun to write about. It is great to make fun of the dialog or the silly plot. It is even stupendously entertaining to make fun of horrible acting or to pretend like you knew what the director was thinking when they lost their mind and made that movie. Here is the other thing about those reviews.... people like them because people like to get a laugh or two themselves. I don't feel guilty that I reviewed a film and was rough on it nor that I was rough on those involved in the making of the film. It is what it is. When you make a movie and get people to pay you to see it you have to expect they will say what they think. I think in reality people do expect people to say how they feel about movies, actors, comedians, musicians, athletes but that their message in this movie is "Hey we are human too. I have feelings and they are no less delicate then yours." Fair enough.

For those that are curious I listened to the running commentary of the movie as well. What that says is that I really liked this movie, I never listen to commentary. The point for me to bring up listening to the commentary is they make some great points in the movie and then even more directly in the commentary. Not all movies are made to be measured on the same scale. Jaime Kennedy talks about Spy Kids vs. There Will Be Blood, two completely different movies and genres, why exactly would the same reviewer be used for both movies. It would make more sense to get a review of Spy Kids from a kid and perhaps their parent. Who knows if a kid movie hits the bulls eye on the target better then a kid? Add a parent to round out the recommendation for parents or adults who are thinking of seeing it. The point I took from this was have the reviewer be a genuine fan or the right market for the movie. Jon Lovitz talks about the movie Benchwarmers, which took a beating in the press. If you were the right market (adolescents), it delivered all the farts and nose picking you come to expect in a fine movie. Now, it might sound like I am saying we should pick people that will like the movies to do reviews of the movies..... but I'm not. We should pick people who might actually know what a good movie in that genre should be like. Grab the overly literary guy/gal to review Cold Mountain, There Will Be Blood and The Red Balloon. Then grab the guy/gal who still laughs when they fart to see a movie like Benchwarmers.

Then I learned I am completely damned for doing my criticism in a blog on the internet. I am such a bastard. The internet and all of us reviewers are scum. Here is the thing.... I am over it. I am going to continue to critique films and occasionally I am going to make fun of people that made the movie or appeared in it. I figure it this way... I write these reviews and publish them publicly and you can say whatever you want to me, about me or my writing. I don't delete any comment unless I wrote it myself and I realized I misspelled half the words because I did not read it before submitting it. You are also free to say whatever you want about my writing skills or lack of them on my creative pieces. I put it out there and you have the right to say whatever crosses your mind about it. Film, comedy, music, art, writing that is mass produced is going to be critiqued and occasionally a little fun will be poked at your expense. You have to learn to move past the negative, even if that means making a movie about it. I do not, however, think you should heckle a live act. Ask yourself this: would I start making comments like "You suck!" to my boss while he was presenting the quarterly presentation to you? I am thinking you wouldn't. First of all you would be unemployed and secondly it's not polite. Leave the live presentations alone.


Wait.... I take that back. Continue heckling, I like watching them rip you apart piece by piece.

Great movie. Check it out and make sure you see the extras. There are some classic deleted scenes and edited scenes that add a laugh to the viewing.

November!

Holy crap we are soon getting a new president! YAY!

I hope you enjoyed the Halloween story, I had fun writing about it. I felt compelled to tell you that the idea of zombies that think and don't eat brains was kind of derived from a book I am reading called Generation Dead. My story was meant to be funny while theirs seems to talk about social responsibility and humanity. ANyway it is an interesting book.

I am writing my little tiny brains out this month and having a blast. If you know someone who is doing NANAWRIMO this month pat them on the back and hand them a coffee. They probably have not slept well at all and could use the caffeine. Then tell them silly things like "I can't wait to read it!", "I bet it'll be fantastic!", "How exciting!" or "My infant can write 50,000 words in half a day! You wuss!"

I have my first interview in nearly a month happening tomorrow. It is a phone interview.... so I am going to act really excited and enthusiastic. Yay me.

I am getting excited about visiting ya'll in PHX. Woo!

Speaking of impending events... it is Christmas card time. I NEED you're addresses. Please email your addresses to crazedlunatik@gmail.com, that way I can get started writing them after I am done with this novel writing thing. They will have all new lies and half truths. It will be fun! Be part of the Christmas card zaniness! Remember as always you do not need to send a card to recieve a card, if you want one give me your address. I can almost guarantee I won't use that address to come over and rob you.

Candy Sticks - A Halloween Story

He had one stop left to make. Then he was free to head home and sit down in his big, comfy recliner. He had rented every horror movie he had ever liked. He was going to have a marathon of horror flicks running until he passed out. The only thing left were movie snacks, Halloween candy for trick or treaters (but really for him), soda and a frozen pizza. He parked in front of the grocery store and went in.

He grabbed microwavable popcorn, red licorice, cola and a huge pepperoni pizza. Then he headed to the candy aisle. It was filled with signs that said: "MORE CANDY IN THE SEASONAL AISLE!" He was a little irritated at that sign because he had no idea where the "seasonal aisle" was. This was a big store. One of those stores that had groceries, sports equipment, clothes, housewares and a lot of other crap. So he started wandering around. He was nearly to the garden section when he figured he better ask, he must of past it because it couldn't be near the garden section. He approached a uniformed female employee who was busy sweeping the floor.

"Excuse me. I need to find the seasonal aisle with all the Halloween candy. Can you help me?" He asked.

The employee slowly stopped sweeping and lifted her head even more slowly. He thought her movements were really stiff and odd. Then he saw her face.... she looked dead. So this person took Halloween seriously. She was not only dressed up at work but she was playing the part. The girl looked like she was pretty when she did not have the sick pallor of death hanging on her cheeks. Then he looked into her eyes and a chill ran up his spine. This girl was a good actress. Her eyes even looked devoid of life. That was when she dropped the broom, slowly turned and began awkwardly shuffling forward. He stood there stunned for a minute not sure what to do until he realized she was simply staying in character. So he did the only thing he could.... he followed her.

They were heading back toward the garden section. He had let logic get in his way again. Who puts the seasonal aisle near the garden section? Shouldn't the seasonal aisle be closer to the middle of the store? He turned his attention back to the girl in front of him, her gait remained awkward and she was definitely taking her time. He was positive that walking like she was would slow anyone down. It was like she was willing one of her legs to move as she dragged it forward with the foot facing perpendicular to the direction they were going. The other leg was pointed in the right direction but it also looked like she was very determinedly making it move. He decided to try and mimic the walk. It was so George Romero zombie-ish that he was nearly ready to propose to this pretty girl pretending to be dead. The walk was harder to pull off then he expected and he nearly fell over. He decided to try the walk later, when less people would see him fall face first into the ground. He was not really interested in achieving public embarrassment.

The girl stopped and then slowly maneuvered her body to face an aisle and slowly lifted her arm pointing down the aisle. That was when he looked and saw the Halloween candy. He thanked her but she ignored him and slowly turned and began lumbering back the other way. He smiled at her back and then turned to see what candy was still available.

The candy aisle had been pretty well plundered but there was still some left. He picked up a bag of M&M's, Snickers and Bug Hunk. Then he saw a bag of "Candy Sticks" which were packaged in small boxes with superheroes on them. He saw that they were only a buck and he put a couple bags in his basket. He was not entirely sure what the heck a candy stick was but he was curious. If they weren't any good he would hand them out to any kid that showed up at his door. It was always good to get a cheap crappy candy and hand that out with one good candy. That way he could give the kids a handful of candy but only lose 1 good candy at a time. It was a method designed to leave him with plenty of tasty Halloween candy to devour over the next few days. He purchased his personal Halloween party goods in a self check out lane and headed out to his car.

When he got home he turned on the oven to heat it up for the pizza and put the cola in the refridge. Then he grabbed a large mixing bowl and emptied all of his candy into it. He grabbed another bowl for the popcorn but that was for later. He put the licorice on the coffee table next to the bowl of candy and then he put in his first movie, The Shining. As he waited for the oven to get hot he sat down to watch the movie. His curiosity drove him to grab the candy sicks. He opened a little box and found two little sticks that reminded him of the candy cigarettes he used to play with as a kid. If one end had been died red it would have been a candy cigarette and not a candy stick. He chuckled at the PC-ness of it all as he pretended to smoke it, letting it hang loosely from his mouth as he talked to the TV in his best mobster impression. The oven beeped to let him know the desired temperature had been attained. He put the self rising pepperoni pizza inside and went back to pretending to smoke while he watched Jack Nicholson's descent into insanity play out in front of him. ALL WORK AND NO PLAY MAKE JACK A DULL BOY

The doorbell rang. He hopped up, grabbed the candy bowl and whipped open the door. To more people looking like zombies, even the children. They merely groaned and stared at him with their disturbing eyes. The TV seemed overly loud just then as Jack was hacking at the bathroom door with an axe while the super skinny lady screamed. He quickly grabbed a handful of candy and gave it to the way too real looking zombie children. They looked in the bag and slowly turned to head to another door. The parents merely moaned again before turning to go. That was creepy... he was not entirely sure why the only people he had seen this evening were dressed like zombies. Even the little girl was a zombie.... shouldn't she have been a princess or something sweet? Maybe the family couldn't afford anything but face make up. He shut the door and sat back down to watch Jack chase the little boy through the hedge maze.

The cooking timer buzzed and he got up to pull the pizza out. He was starving as he used his pizza cutter to cut it into pizza slice sized pieces. He grabbed a few slices and set them down in front of his chair before heading back into the kitchen to grab a soda, a paper towel and the Parmesan cheese. He set them down next to the plate and quickly changed DVDs. He decided on the Ring next and he popped it in.

He watched the movie begin and looked away right before they showed the face of the dead girl in the closet. He hated that scene it always freaked him out, the creepy moving girl in the video was terrible but the first girl she kills in the movie was the worst. The doorbell rang as Naomi Watts made her first appearance. He certainly liked Naomi and was a little irritated at the interruption but he had seen the movie before and he got up and grabbed the candy bowl. The door was filled with normal children in cute little princess costumes and Star Wars characters. The disconcerting part was that they merely moaned and held up their plastic pumpkin. He quickly handed them candy and shut the door. His heart was racing. He did not like those moans. He wanted a good ol' fashion "Trick or Treat" and smiling children.

He tried calming down and focused on his breathing when the door bell interrupted him again. He jumped and a startled yelp leaped from his mouth. He opened the door slowly and was greeted with more moaning children that looked like zombies in Halloween costumes holding up plastic pumpkins. This time after handing out the candy and shutting the door he turned off the porch light. He was done with this trick or treat crap. He turned the deadbolt and added the chain lock. Then he turned off all the interior lights and closed his blinds. He sat down and that was when he noticed his pizza was sitting untouched next to a pile of candy stick boxes. Had he not eaten any of his pizza? Had he eaten all these candy sticks? He saw the other half of the pizza sitting on his cutting board in the kitchen. He had not eaten any of it yet. His soda was not even opened yet. That was odd.... he picked up a slice and took a bite but it tasted terrible. He set it back on the plate and looked up to see the kid telling Naomi Watts about the little girl in the video. He reached into the candy bowl and hunted around until he felt one of the candy stick boxes.

The door bell rang again. He irritably moaned, grabbed the candy bowl and opened the door. He was greeted by moans and plastic pumpkins. He dutifully filled them with candy and then closed his door after he moaned back at them. He grabbed another candy stick and slowly began chewing it down to nothing before popping in another. The movie had ended and he headed over to change the movies. It seemed to be quite an effort as he had to think his way through each step. While he worked on opening the case the DVD player went on standby mode and the news appeared on the screen. The reporter was talking "... Candy Sticks. Apparently the candy sticks have been causing some strange reaction to the people who eat them. The government has not clarified what type of reaction people are experience but they urge you not to eat them. If you have them please put them aside and stop handing them out to children. Then call the number that is on this screen. Once again this is an emergency notification to stop handing out or eating the Candy Sticks...." The reporter began repeating herself and he stopped listening. He moaned as the DVD box finally opened and he put the next film into the player. He grabbed another box of candy sticks and stood up and shuffled back to his seat. The whole time he focused on his candy sticks. When he finally sat down the movie was already past the beginning and if he was not mistaken he felt that it was nearly the middle of a movie. How long had it taken him to get to his chair? There must be something wrong with his DVD player and then he remembered the news lady talking about his candy sticks. He decided to take a look at his reflection in the bathroom mirror and he made his way there.

When he finally looked into the mirror he saw something dead looking back at him. He felt like he should be alarmed but he could not bring himself to be. He headed back to his chair. When he arrived he saw the movie had ended and he reporter was back on. "... cause people to appear to be the living dead. According to our sources those that have consumed the Candy Sticks this year have been poisoned. The people appear to be zombies but unlike the horror moves they do not seem to require brains or human flesh. If you see someone that looks like a zombie please call your local police. Do not attack them or be overly afraid as they seem to be going through the normal motions of daily life but just a bit slower. The government is working on a cure for this affliction and the police are tasked with bringing all affected people back to a treatment facility. We repeat our earlier warning to not consume or hand out any more Candy Sticks this year. Put them aside and call the police. They will come and get them when they get into your neighborhood....." The reporter's voice droned on but he stopped listening. He continued eating his candy sticks and thinking about being a zombie. The only thought in his mind was "at least I don't have to eat brains." He opened his mouth to laugh and a moan came out instead.

AQNP - A Quick November Preview

Hey all!

Well October is nearing an end and I have made a few decisions about November. First of all I should let you know it is National Novel Writing Month. I participated last year and wrote over 50,000 words. I then followed it up by not finishing editing it and it is almost a year later. So I have a half edited story that I was intending to get out to readers and have them give me feedback and I was going to rewrite from there. Well I am a slacker. Writing is way more fun then editing. Anyway I almost decided not to participate this year. I have a lot more going on, with school and job hunting. I also have an unedited novel sitting around collecting dust (not literally as it is digitally stored). Then I received a message that my niece Jessica is taking part. I thought to myself how cool is she? Pretty darn cool. She inspired me to give it another shot. I hope I can pull it off again this year especially knowing I have someone else I know that is doing it. Someone to shout encouragement to. Having said that if I don't finish it because of my homework load and other responsibilities that is fine.... disappointing but fine.

Secondly November is also the month Portland has a festival called Wordstock. Authors, small newspapers, magazines and presses get together set up booths and sell their wares and also have little seminars. I went to it 2 years ago and had a good time. Last year I was devoted to making 50,000 words and skipped it. This year I decided to volunteer for it. i will be part of the stage crew on Sunday morning. I get a t-shirt for free and get in free. If you live in Portland and this seems interesting to you and you think you might want to work the festival go to their website and look up volunteering. They are still looking for volunteers last I heard. If you don't want to work it you might want to go to the festival and check it out as it is pretty dang cool.

Then the last thing is I am making a reappearance in Phoenix over the Thanksgiving holiday. Thursday I am going to some friends house to eat some turkey. Saturday evening I am going to be at a gala event at my mom's house. Friday is still up in the air although some talk of hitting up RA has come up. We shall see. Anyway if you are down in PHX keep me in mind and maybe we can make some magic happen.

A Rambling Review of The Happening

So I decided to watch The Happening. I figured M. Night Shyamalan had to have a good movie left in him. I mean he keeps getting the green light to make movies and it is inevitable one of them would be good again. Surely he did not kill all of his creativity making The Sixth Sense. I mean eventually he has to make a good movie again, right?

I have seen almost all....

The Sixth Sense - Talk about a crazy movie. I did not see that ending coming. It blew my freaking mind MAN!

Unbreakable - I liked this movie. I did not love this movie but I could see what he was trying to do and I decided to forgive him. Besides Bruce Willis and Samuel L. Jackson as super hero vs. super villain? It was meant to be. He just managed to get it wrong enough.

Signs - Water kills aliens? Really? Of all the retarded events ever! I could almost like this one except for the frigging water killing the aliens.

The Village - Holy crap! Talk about vomitorama! Even though I fell in complete love with Bryce Dallas Howard this movie sucked.

Lady in the Water - Really? I skipped this one. Did you see the ads? They were completely stu!

Which brings us to The Happening..... and here is my review.

***SPOILER ALERT: The whole movie is below this line.***



"Let's stay ahead of the wind." - Elliot Moore (played by Mark "Marky Mark" Wahlberg)

So we begin the movie in a park and the wind is blowing. Some chick turns to her friend and asks what she is reading. Her friend laughs and tells her. A second later this idiot asks the same frigging question. Then she kills herself. We flash across town as people are killing themselves. Oh my goodness must be terrorists!

Next we find ourselves at a high school where Elliot Moore (M. Wahlberg) is teaching science to a bunch of high schoolers. Remember that Mr. Wahlberg is a science teacher.... it's important. The vice-principal pulls him from class and has already done so with all of the teachers so they can hear the news. Yes... she pulled all the teachers from every class and brought them to one room to tell them people are dying. Yep, no supervision for the kids at all.... just a big meeting to tell a bunch of bad actors that there is some sort of epidemic hitting a major city. Sure let's leave the kids to their own devices... no need to protect our wards! Really? When they finally get back it appears that they don't tell the kids anything. School ends with Mr. Moore telling them to make sure and work on their science projects because they are due Monday. I guess the teachers are not worried because all the dying was happening in New York. I think they are in Philadelphia... and they figure terrorists are responsible for these deaths and then they assume the terrorists won't bother with Philly. Either way Mr. Moore and a co-worker, Julian, decide to go to the co-worker's mother's house, who is frantically trying to get everyone to get out of dodge.

Elliot brings his weird wife Alma with him, she is played by Zooey Deschanel (very cute). Apparently Zooey has one look because she makes it the entire movie.... whether she is mad, sad or happy.



Of course, her character does not "feel comfortable sharing her emotions with others" so perhaps she is a good actress in other films. You certainly have no idea from this movie. Oh and Zooey and Mark have terrible chemistry... they seem more like strangers then married people even if this particular marriage is going through a "tough time".

They meet up with Julian (John Leguizamo), the co-worker at school, and his daughter Jess. Apparently there is bad blood between Julian and Alma.... which was a stupid storyline. Julian thinks Alma is incapable of loving anyone. Alma just so happens, conveniently, to have hung out with a male co-worker after work and lied about it to Elliot. It was "only dessert", perhaps this little lie is is the reason she dislikes Julian. No one likes proving someone right about being a bad person. Either way I didn't care.... which as a storyteller is the completely wrong reaction for the audience to have.

At this point in the movie I like Julian, as John Leguizamo always does a fantastic job in everything I have seen him in. I think the reason he seems compelling in this movie is he actually displays emotion. None of the other stars do. This is where we find out his wife is not going with them on this train but will catch the next one. Once again no one is expecting "the terrorists" to strike good ol' Philly, since that wouldn't be respectable. So they get on the train and they keep hearing more and more stories about it spreading to big cities. Then the train stops because the train conductor can't raise anyone and is not sure it is safe to go on. After sitting around in some Podunk town for a while the whole train load decides they better keep moving. So Elliot finds a crazy dude and his wife to give passage to the 4 of them. Meanwhile Julian is looking to go save his wife and gets passage for one and leaves his daughter with Elliot and Alma. Really? I am not a father but I am imagining that I would stay with my daughter and hope my wife is OK. I am also assuming that if our roles were reversed I could rely on my wife to protect our children and not leave them behind to rescue me. I mean who leaves their kid behind to look for someone they have not heard anything from in the last 2 hours? Did I fail to mention that he had not spoke to his wife in 2 hours? Yeah... so Julian runs off to 'save her' because he has not heard from her. Even the dirt knows that faceless woman is dead. Hello! IDIOT!

Not having started off well you figure the movie will either climb back out of the ditch or at least will not get any worse, but you'd be wrong. So the crazy couple decide to stop at their home to get food. They don't really spend anytime getting food but somehow in ten seconds they do. Then the crazy guy is talking about hot dogs and then starts rambling about plants being behind this attack. Everyone figures he is crazy (which in a movie like this it means you know the crazy guy is finally right for once) but, even thinking this guy is crazy, they still get in the car with this idiot. We flash to Julian who is in the town his wife is supposed to be and we see some landscapers have hung themselves in trees. Some chick starts freaking out in the car Julian in because of the hanging people. Julian is yelling at the others to roll up the windows and seal up the car. To calm this girl down he tells her to do a math problem to take her mind off what is going on. The problem with the math problem he selects is that it is not one she can figure out without a calculator... how giving some one an exponential math problem to calm them down is a good idea is beyond me. You might as well ask her to explain flight. Sure an expert could rattle on and sound like they know what they are talking about but I sure as heck have no clue and neither did she when confronted with this problem. This would have had half the desired effect as it would stop me from screaming because I would be strangling the math dork.

"Oh my God! Oh my God!"

"OK calm down. Seriously! I know what will calm you down here is a math problem. Say I give you a penny today and tomorrow I give you 2 cents. Then the next day I give you 4 cents and each day the amount doubles. How much would you have after 30 days?"

"Well heck Julian I have no frigging clue but I sure feel calm now..."

"Of course you do, you silly goose! Now let's go off ourselves!"

This scene did not happen like this in the movie but it might as well have.The problem I site is the one he uses in the movie. She was screaming out stupid answers like "Ten dollars!" and he is staring at a rip in the fabric roof of the jeep. Then he finally gives her the answer and the driver drives full speed into a tree. I am figuring the driver did not want any more frigging math problems and felt killing himself in a collision with a sturdy looking tree was the only way out. Can you really blame him? Anyway since Julian died we flash back to Elliot, Alma and Jess. They just discovered everyone in all the roads going in any direction are dead. So all these people, coming from several different directions are in one spot trying to figure out their options. They decide to go to less populated areas because big cities and large towns are being "targeted". The crazy guy is still rambling about frigging plants and everyone is still nodding and smiling politely at him. When suddenly a giant oak tree bites his head off.... just kidding but that would have been a heck of a lot cooler.

They decide to travel to a town that is not on the big national map because apparently only locals care about the town. They walk in two groups, one group heads out right away but the others are grabbing items from the car. Elliot, Alma and Jess are in the first group, this is when Alma reveals her devastating dessert secret (yawn). The second group is walking and then the wind starts blowing and they start offing themselves. The first group argues about what to do and some of them want to go back and help... Alma is one of them (still wearing the same sullen expression, refer to above picture). Elliot, the science teacher is yelling at them to let him think, as he is the de facto leader of this group. "What if it is the plants? We can't go back there." He decides and notices that the wind s blowing near those people offing themselves. "Let's stay ahead of the wind!" Remember when I told you that he was a science teacher? This is why it is important. How many science teachers would utter "Let's stay ahead of the wind!" I mean forget that in this movie the wind only picks up when the frigging plants go all homicidal on people. What is with that? It can't just be a windy day? Are you telling me Mr. Shyamalan thinks plants make wind? Are you telling me that a science teacher seriously believes he has a chance of outrunning wind? IS EVERYBODY TAKING CRAZY PILLS!?

Either way they all start running as the wind picks up. They split off into smaller groups and now it is Elliot, Alma, Jess and two teenage hooligans. Trying to outrun the wind.

The wind calms the heck down and they see a home. They decide to get some food and a moments respite. The family in the home wants them to leave and keep their "poisonous gas" to themselves. The hooligans get themselves killed by these crazy hillbillies when they demand some food from the people locked in the house and then there were 3. The three survivors run away and keep traveling when they finally see another house. Before checking out the house Elliot decides to share a deep dark secret, which is the best part of the movie. He talks about asking a cute pharmacist where the cough syrup was even though he did not have a cough and that he nearly spent 6 dollars on cough syrup he didn't need. Which I guess was his way of telling her that she is forgiven but the line was actually clever and I am not doing it justice. In the house they find a crazy old lady and shack up with her and then in the morning she goes even crazier then she was before. Then the wind picks up while she is freaking out in the garden and she kills herself by bashing her head into the house and Elliot realizes the plants are killing all humans regardless of how many people there are. Group size no longer matter. Of course he and Alma (who has Jess with her) are in separate parts of the crazy lady's place and can't reunite. They finally act like they love each other and decide if they are going to die they should be with each other. Of course they don't die and life begins anew.... Jess is going back to school. Alma is pregnant and scientists are telling the world the plants are warning us to change out ways and no one is listening. Then it starts happening again in another city... dun dun duh!

YOU NEVER EVER HAVE TO SEE THIS MOVIE NOW!!! YOU'RE FREAKING WELCOME!


Anybody feel like outrunning wind? Holy crap, this movie is terrible. I am really sorry we dragged you into this little girl.

Adolescent Experiences... the paper

I have been very busy today finishing up my school work that is due this week. One of the classes wanted us to write about adolescent experiences and I enjoyed what I wrote even though I did not want to ever actually write it. Since I liked the end result, I am sharing it. Here is what the assignment was:

3. Adolescent Experience Paper, Part I: Think back to your early adolescent years, during grades 6 – 8. Based on your assigned readings for Week One, write a 350-700-word paper describing three experiences (transitions) that could be labeled as the following:
a. Biological
b. Cognitive
c. Social
For each experience, describe the effect on you. Was it positive or negative? Has that interpretation changed over the years?

Here is my interpretation:

Adolescent Experience: Part 1
Michael Williams
University of Phoenix
 
I do not look back on these years and have a great level of clarity. I remember it was awkward but I do not entirely remember why. So this assignment has definitely given me some pause. At first I despaired that all of my memories were beyond my reach so I called on a friend to help jog my memory. This long time friend definitely jogged my memory and quite a few laughs were had at both of our expenses. This is the result of our mutual remembrances.

We begin with something that would definitely lend itself to the social realm of an adolescent’s development. It also highlights a shift in thinking about girls, which means it also dabbles in the cognitive development realm. Yes, I no longer felt free to shove a girl off the jungle gym to get ahead of her but my new feelings were not completely clear. The female half of the population had become somehow intriguing, utterly incomprehensible and truly terrifying. As I understand, there is an intense need to socialize with peers during adolescence but not everyone is gifted enough to do so smoothly. I was far from smooth and tended to stick close to friends when I was in social situations. I remember one particular time that my best friends and I went to our first dance. The three of us were holding up the wall fairly well, daring each other to talk to the young ladies who unknowingly struck fear and longing to the very core of our beings. As we stood there, wasting time trying to goad each other into making the first move, the poor girls were forced to also sit and wait. I am sure that none of them wanted to become a social outcast by asking a boy to dance, which meant they had to wait for us to gather our courage. Finally I decided to take that first step. I asked a girl to dance and she immediately said yes, much to my relief. I had taken what I believed to be the first and hardest step and I was now dancing with a cute girl. It was the most frightening and awkward dance I have ever been a part of. I just lightly held her, unsure where to put my hands, attempting to think about baseball (not that I knew anything about baseball) and swayed back and forth like a robot from a bad 1950’s sci-fi flick. We didn’t speak nor did we make much eye contact either. All my bravado and convoluted planning had been focused on getting her to dance with me, not the actual dancing part. When the longest song on earth finally ended, I bolted back to my friends. In my haste to find the security of insecure male bonding I probably sent a very confusing message to the girl. I won’t even attempt to decipher what my hasty departure meant to her but I am sure it was as awkward for her as the asking and dancing had been for me. I then spent the rest of the time daring my friends to take the plunge but managing to feel completely relieved that I had “made a move.” I still remember that first dance as a great adventure although I look upon it now and see how silly I truly was.

My voice changing was the biological development that I clearly recall. I am not sure when it happened or how long it took but it could not end fast enough. I was embarrassed and people’s reactions didn’t help. Whether it was an amused glance or an escaped giggle it sent heat through my cheeks turning them deep scarlet. What I wanted to do was not speak ever again but that is not an option. Knowing that the voice change was just a part of growing up was not any help at the time. I figure the best thing for an adult to do is to not react and just keep on talking with them. After all it is something natural and it should be treated that way. Of course the problem was generally with kids the same age and I am not sure how to get them to cut each other some slack. Now that I am past that stage I definitely see how a smile or giggle is also natural but try to remember that everything is “utterly and devastatingly” embarrassing at that age.

The new apartment... a story told in pictures

I know some of you do not like viewing photos this way with the crazy filter and what not, so I have another way to see them: http://www.flickr.com/photos/crazedlunatik/sets/72157608118288428/show/with/2949691045/

Updating the update

I am now moved and the unpacking is going forth as planned. I ended up moving in Saturday instead of Tuesday which was a huge relief. I will take some photos and share the new place with you as soon as I get a chance.

The job was a disaster and I decided the best move was to not pursue it any longer. Some lies were told to me when I interviewed and they soon were uncovered when I started working. It is for the best but it makes everything a little harder.

I am pretending I understand my school assignment about doing reading assessment with some kid but I am at a loss for what is expected of m. I have found a kid to torture but I am not sure what I should do. Of course I am meeting the kid tomorrow morning. Joy.

I am going to try to write section 4 of the grainery tonight. So hopefully I can post it tomorrow.

Busy freaking bee!

Hey folks....

Hope none of my readers have defenestrated themselves recently due to the stock market. My advice? Start learning a foreign language now.... I am thinking Chinese, Japanese or Spanish. hehehe

I wanted to apologize that the story is at a pause for a moment. THings are crazy here in Portland. I will get back to the story as soon as I can. I am going to tell you the latest so if you hate these posts then just skip it....

September was a month of change. Chad who had been planning to move Boston but something changed and he was now thinking he would make the move to Bend. Much closer and less dramatic. I was looking for an apartment but not super hard. I went out looking a couple times and inquired online and by phone a lot. Then things began changing. First Chad was moving to Boston again. Second, I had suddenly realized I had 2 weeks to get an apartment. Third, I was starting to need a job and no longer felt I had time to consider what I wanted in a job. So last week I set up 3 appointments on a Wednesday for apartments. One canceled as they rented it after I had set up my appointment and before I saw the stupid place. Obviously without meeting me they did not realize that I am way cooler then those people they rented to, their loss completely. Then the next place had taken an app as I pulled in so it was off the market. The third place was all mine and I jumped at it. Meanwhile I got a job offer right before I headed to the third place. I took it without a thought to whether I wanted it. So I think I got the apartment I liked and I definitely got the job I am nt sure is a good fit. Then Thursday Chad and I started the going away party early. THen Saturday was the official sayonara party. He actually left town Yesterday morning... safe travels man! Good luck!

I spent all day on the job.... I am still indecisive about whether I made the right call but I have decided to give it a fair shake. So I will put my head down and attempt to do what they ask me to do. Hopefully I make a few bucks from it.

As far as the apartment..... When I get moved into my new place I will try to give you all a few photos.

The Grainery: Edge of Sanity

Part 3
He felt eyes on him but everyone managed to avoid his gaze when his eyes fell on them. He felt like a prized cockerspaniel at a dog show and he did not like that feeling very much. He walked into the area before the stalls of vendors selling illegal items and services better left unexplained. Some unsavory tyoes came in past him but they made no notice of him and headed to a man advertising dentistry services. Screams of pain told him this dentist practiced without painkillers and probably without a license. That waas when he saw three rather large men walking toward him with an intent that said he was going with them to talk to their boss. His old boss. He could also see that they wanted him to put up a fight so they could pay him his comeuppance. Instead of turning and running like a sane person would have been compelled to do, Scott let a smirk hit his mouth and he headed straight for them. With his hands out to the side to show he was not looking for trouble and would go with them. "Hey boys!" He said loudly enough that people finally turned to openly stare at him. His smirk grew larger, it paid to be gregarious in a tense situation. Confidence made people second guess you and that gave you time to act first. "Where is that old bastard at? I need to have a few words with ol' Riley about coming home."

His words had the desired effect a lot of people flinched including 2 of Riley's goon squad. The one that didn't flinch was an old general of Riley's and at one time he had answered to Scott. Now he seemed to be in charge. That was fitting. His name was Gregory and he made sure no one called him Greg.... he hated nicknames unless he was using a derogatory one for you. Gregory had never used one to Scott's face which showed a certain amount of respect and Scott had shown him the same by always using his correct name when speaking to him or about him. They had been as close to friends as anyone could be with someone who wanted your job and knew the only way to get it was with you ending up dead. Gregory's face broke into a smile that looked like a sneer. Probably because he was afraid Scott wanted his old job back and that meant trouble for him. Gregory was ruthless when he needed to be but he liked to appear gentlemanly. Scott wanted to assure him he didn't want the old job he had other ideas that had nothing to do with being a general for Riley but he knew until he said it in front Riley it would be like he never spoke.

"Scott.... you coming back is a surprise. I can not pretend to be happy to see you but your reappearance has greatly interested Riley and he wants to see you. Although I am not sure you are close enough to call him rude names any longer. It is of no consequence.... for now. Follow us, things have changed since you left. We would hate for the changes here to end in an unfortunate surprise for you." Gregory said with an implied edge to his tone.

"Gregory! So good to see you! Especially with such a warm greeting. It is like we are reunited tween girls at a slumber party." Scott spoke with a false tone of excitement. A tone Gregory recognized the true intent of. It was nothing more then a warning to Gregory to stop threatening and Scott's warnings were always backed up. He would hate to have to do anything to Gregory and he had just told him as much. A flash of an approving smile crossed Gregory's face before he reset the mask of indifference.

Gregory's men fell in behind them as the two old comrades took the others hand and began to walk into the market place. Scott could tell the two men who walked behind them were nervous.... apparently his reputation was still intact. He and Gregory did not speak as they walked a route that Scott knew by heart. Gregory had spoke the truth though... there were different faces lining the illegal marketplace. Faces that showed no sign of recognition for him either. In fact he did not see one familiar face among the vendors. He was suddenly on edge and glad that Riley wanted to speak to him. This would have been a different journey otherwise and it gave him time to contemplate what the changes meant to him without any confrontations.

They approached a building that looked slightly more permanent then the markets slapped together lean to appearance. It still gave off the feeling of a condemned hovel but compared to the others it was a palace. It was Riley's palace and it was a lot nicer on the inside then it appeared on the outside. Riley was fond of old Arabian tales and had modeled his room after something he had seen in one of those old movies. Scott had referred to it as the 'King and I' room when he used to go there to make his reports. It would have been ridiculous for anyone besides Riley to indulge in this way but it worked for him. Something about it just made sense. Gregory opened the door and pushed through the curtains behind the door allowing Scott to enter the audience chamber ahead of him. Which meant 3 guys behind him at the door and who knew how many in the room. It was dark and he waited until his eyes adjusted to the low light. He was going to be made to wait on Riley, he had seen this same technique used before. A person that was "in need of a lesson", according to Riley, would come into this dark room and wait with about 30 armed guards watching his every move. When Riley felt he had them where he wanted them he would come out and bring them back in line. Most people were so ready to get out of there alive that they would toe the line for a while. For any threat of force to work there had to actually be visible consequences to fear. Riley had gained control ruthlessly and people never knew if they would be the next "example" or if they would be allowed to leave. Scott felt his irritation begin to grow. He figured he could kill half of these guards before they took him and he also knew that a lot of them would flee if he started to fight. Of course Gregory wouldn't and he would either have to kill Gregory or Gregory would kill him. He respected Gregory too much to force that situation to come about and decided he would wait until they made a move against him. He of course could force Riley's hand if this lasted more then another minute. Riley was prideful and that could be used to force him to get on with things. This fear practice had always irritated Scott. He felt like it was a huge waste of time and would end up being the death of Riley one day. Perhaps today if this lasted too much longer.

Scott reflected on his agitation and the fact that his thoughts were filled with vengeance. He had never actually killed anyone, he had never needed to. He out thought people and add a few broken bones to that and people learned to toe the line a lot better then this theatrical dark room act. He could feel his ire rising and he knew why his fuse was so short and thoughts of slaughter coursed through his mind. The thing that was different was that he had experienced true happiness and hope and then had it snatched away. Gwen had changed his life and when she left it had been with Scott left broken. He needed something more then the life he had created with Gwen. Which explained why he was here, the legal world was too tame. He liked the edge of danger.... he always had. Even while he was with Gwen he had missed the danger but he had her and he was able to ignore those impulses. Without her he had been tempted to do stupid and daring things. He had even gotten a raise and a promotion for how he pursued an account for his company. It was not truly dangerous or anything but putting his career on the line had been a little thrilling. Except it had not been enough. So here he was in a dark room, in the underground. Waiting for a man who might be less then happy to see him again. Suddenly he was tired of waiting and reflecting on what lead him to this place. He decided to force the issue. "C'mon Riley! If you are too busy washing your hair I can always come back. I saw some crap for sell out there that I might actually want to take a second look at. You never know when you might need a baby alligator or a stuffed rabbit."

Riley laughed from behind the curtain. Then sounds came from that area as he seemed to be making his way into the room. He began speaking before he had even entered the room, "Damn Scott! You never change! 2 minutes of waiting and you start making fun of the marketplace and my hygiene habits. I hate to admit that I missed it." He entered the room then with a large smile on his face wearing a black suit, black tie and a shiny gold tie. The tie looked ridiculous, who besides Riley would have the guts to wear a gold tie? Scott smiled in spite of himself.

"Speaking of never change.... a gold tie Riley? Really? What is that all about? The rest of the outfit looks like you might be a character in a bad mob movie but the gold tie makes you look like a broke pimp!" Scott said before adding, "I missed your sense of style Riley. It is always so unique but still seems to work for you. No one else could pull that off but somehow it makes sense for you."

Riley's smile widened to reach his eyes. He had thought of Scott as a son. When Scott had left Riley had looked like his heart had broke. Scott liked this expression better but he knew he wasn't out of danger. Riley was clearly not sure what to do about Scott's return. Scott had to play this right.

"I got to say this is pretty gutsy of you Scott. And you know by gutsy I mean stupid." Riley's smile was gone. He looked at Scott for a while and Scott held his gaze. Riley was not going to do anything at this particular second, Scott knew it all the way to the core of his being. He just had to be patient and eventually Riley would make up his mind and Scott would have to react. "But it is good to see you."

Scott smiled at Riley but did not speak. Riley was still undecided as to what to do and rushing him into a decision at this point would be a mistake. That mistake would be fatal. Seeking danger was one thing but inviting death and making it dinner was another thing entirely. Riley sat down behind his desk, keeping his eyes on Scott. Scott's impatience was not a factor during this exchange. There was something tangible behind all this because he could watch Riley and evaluate his next move. At the moment he stood still and held his gaze waiting on Riley.

"I can't say I am suprised to see you. Well not completely, perhaps just a little surprised. I knew she would leave you and I knew you would be back but it took longer then I expected. Before you say something in response to my words that you might end up regretting for a few seconds before you enter darkness, let me tell you that I hoped I would be wrong and I find no joy in seeing you here. I do not enjoy seeing you so broken and I wish I had been wrong just this once." He paused and studied Scott for a minute, Scott stayed quiet and waited. "Of course knowing you would be back does not let me know what your intentions are. I am not sure what you want now and I am not sure if I can trust you if you want to come back. You have become a dangerous unreadable component to crop up. So I am trying to figure out what my next move is as I am sure you are aware. You have always been gifted with perception." Scott nodded at his words and Riley pursed his lips before continuing, as if not sure of how to phrase the next question. "So tell me why are you back here Scott? What do you expect to happen by coming here tonight?"

Scott met Riley's eyes for a minute before opening his mouth. "I am glad you asked that Riley...."

The haps

Hey all!

I have been feeling a wee bit stressed this month. I want to have a job so bad that I have been talking to insurance companies again... which is questionable considering the current market. Anyway I had 3 interviews with a company that sells supplemental life and health policies to union members. I was excited because I figured I had landed a job but they said they would call Friday afternoon and they didn't so I guess I struck out.Which is probably a sign to go back to plan a which was to land a job in the education realm. Yeah, it won't pay like the insurance gigs but it will get me some much needed experience. So I am gearing up to make an honest and dedicated run at those jobs.

The thing that is complicating the hunt and intensifying my need to land a job is that I also need to move. My roomie is moving to Boston at the end of the month and we gave notice to be out by October 5th. I am not having any luck finding an apartment in my price range in any of the places I want to live. So I may have to move out into a suburb again and I really don't like that idea. Oh well.

Other then that I have written two installments to add to The Grainery. The 2nd section appeared yesterday and the third will appear this afternoon. I have not started on the 4th piece but I will soon.

Oh and I have joined up with Facebook recently and I spend way too much time running around there. I like it way better then MySpace because I do not get random friend request from girls that want me to join there porn site. If you are on there or about to join, look me up. We can become Facebook friends!

The Grainery: Enter the Underground

Part 2
As the sun set Scott sat watching the shadows stretch across his body. The sun burned that weird orange color as it set, the color that compelled you to look and admire the way it painted the sky. The sun had a beautiful pallette on hand tonight, the colors dazzled. He found part of himself annoyed as he felt an overwhelming apathy at the idea of the impending darkness falling and the underworld finding him here. He wasn't afraid of the dark and he wasn't afraid of any threat lurking in the darkness. At the same time he wasn't a fatalist or suicidal, of course anyone who watched him now might think he was. The grainery had an unsavory reputation and good people steered clear of it when the sun set. People that looked, dressed and spoke like Scott usually stayed away from this place in the daylight but Scott was not really one of those people. He could survive in the unseemly underbelly of this city's depravity. He used to do more then survive it but Gwen had talked him out of that life. He had made a lot of waves by giving up his life and pursuing another but Scott was strong. He was even successful in his new life, he just happened to no longer be happy with it.

So here he sat, about to do what he had promised Gwen he would never do. Of course that promise was made when she had been with him and he had made the promise because all he wanted was her. Without her he did not feel bound by words he had spoke after she had promised him they would have forever together. He felt tears threaten to boil up to the surface. He choked them down and stood up. It was time.

He pushed the chained door of the grainery's entrance and it opened wide enough for him (and probably 3 other people) to fit through. He slinked in and headed to the steps that lead down. He walked down the winding steps and the wafting scent of the underworld assaulted his nose. He almost felt like home when the bizarre mixture of spices and mildew hit his nose. He stopped on a step to breathe in the scents. If he walked down another flight of stairs he would be officially back. People might not be happy to see him but what was different about that. Scott had always been good at reading people and he had never been in danger when this had been his life. He knew what the people he was with would do even before they did, it was like a sixth sense. It had only one blindspot and that had been Gwen. He never knew what she was going to do which is why he had been so devastated when he came home to find her completely gone. Every posession had been removed from their... his apartment. He pushed that thought to the back of his mind as he stealed himself to go down those last few steps.

When he reached the bottom he looked up to the metal doors before him. Knowing their were armed sneaks watching his every move and that everyone behind that door already knew he was there. He let a smile creep onto his face for just a moment. Then he let the expressionless mask slip into place, it felt like an old friend. His face felt normal like this. He felt in control again. He pushed the doors open and entered the swirling masses of those that were the underground.

The Grainery

The radio was blaring from Tony's room "Ch-ch-ch-changes!" Scott could not understand why his new roommate had such abominable taste in music. David Bowie wasn't even cool when he was popular and nobody should continue to be subjected to his music. He felt his ears begin to bleed... ok that wasn't real but his ears definitely wanted to. Scott felt that his roommate needed to invest in some headphones. He poured a bowl of Corn Pops and grabbed a cup of the freshly brewed coffee and looked at the clock. It was 1 PM and he was just getting motivated. Hangovers lasted a lot longer then they did 10 years ago when he was 19. Not that he was drinking then because that would have been illegal he thought to himself before laughing. His room mate walked in at that moment, "Why are you laughing?" Scott hated that his roommate never seemed to let things go unnoticed but this was not something he felt like picking a fight over. "I feel like shit and I was thinking how 10 years ago I would have already been buying beer for this evening's events." His roommate grinned and then launched into a tale of debauchery so indepth that Scott tuned him out.

After what seemed like forever his roommate had stopped his diatribe on how he could out party the world. Of course that was only because he had recieved a phone call and was busy telling the person some other long pointless stories about something completely different. This was his chance to escape, he put his bowl in the sink, grabbed his keys and headed out the door. He had no destination in mind just anywhere but there.

He found himself outside an abandoned grainery, he always ended up here when he didn't have a destination in mind. The place had a strange magnetic pull on him. This was where he had met Gwen, who had shared the same sort of compulsion to visit this place. They had developed their relationship beyond strangers with a common secret attraction for a derelict grainery building. She had been his whole life after the first time he layed eyes on her. Even now he would drop everything if she called. But she wouldn't call...

He got out of the car and headed toward the grainery to clear his mind. He walked past several 'No Trespassing' signs, signs with posted warning of the dangers of the buildings eminent collapse, past the nearly faded notice of condemnation. They did not stop him or even register the proper warnings within his mind. He did not stop walking until he came to the wall that had been covered in graffiti the last time he had been there. Scott had a certain connection with that graffiti, as it had been him that had put it there. The graffiti was a poem left there for Gwen's eyes, a last ditch attempt to win her back. He was fairly certain she had been the one who painted over it, as the building's owners were not bothered too much about maintaining the property. He put his back to the wall and slowly slid down into a seated position and then he put his head in his hands and squeezed his eyes shut.

The sun was close to setting when he finally lifted his head up. He was not sure where the time had went but it certainly was gone. He knew he needed to get out of there before night fell as the property lent itself to all sorts of illegal activity in the dark. The kind of thing he was no longer interested in getting involved with. He kept thinking about how he needed to get up and head to his car but he made no effort to do so. He just sat there and watched the sun set, willing whatever might come of this.

So, should I continue the story?