Thursday, November 20, 2008

Procrastination across the nation! Misrepresenation that is!

FIRST: I know misrepresenation is not a word and that the closest word to it should be spelled misrepresentation. I am not trying to talk about misrepresentation; I am speaking of Misrepresenation, the nation. Read "Misrepresenation is a dish best served cold!" to see what I am on about...

SECOND: This is the first part of the two post rant.

I feel like I am becoming predictable..... every time I am avoiding homework I write a blog entry. The last week of my reading class has an intense level of homework and so I am really not wanting to do it. I feel like kicking someone but I know assault charges would ony hinder my current career goals so instead I am writing 2 very large blog entries. I talked to my friend, a few hours ago, about the various stresses this week's pile o'homework has caused and the fact that she and I both practice the fine art of procrastination. Now, we always get everything done with a pretty decent grade on all the papers, reports and lesson plans we have to produce but we spend a few hours at the end of the week whining to each other over the phone about the homework that we find ourselves mired in. While commiserating our current situation, she happened to mention a Spongebob episode where he has to write a paper and keeps allowing everything become a distraction; feeding Gary, watching Gary eat to insure no choking, cleaning his room and all sorts of things. We laughed about it because it is a mirror image of what we go through each week, not that we plan to make any changes. Just so you know, I am starting 2 days earlier than normal because of the staggering pile I have in front of me. So, yes, this blog entry is an avoidance of homework and I hope that does not offend any of the "Don't put off 'til tomorrow..." crowd.

In an effort to make my homework go smoother, I went to the library to grab the book I am attempting to create 3 more lesson plans about. Of course it wasn't there (or in any of the other branches as all these stupid little kids are reading it at home, completely ruining the reason children's books are written! Which of course is so that stupid people in education programs can make crappy lessons about these cute books and ruin them completely for every child in America if the lesson ever gets used in a real classroom). But I am not one to waste a trip to the library. So I wandered the aisles and found a book about Living Dead CSI.... totally and completely vital information for me to read! I also found three movies that I had been sort of wanting to see, kind of. Million Dollar Baby (I hate Hillary Swank, I have no reason for it but I do. The reason I read it was it has been recommended to me a lot. I am positive it will suck but at least I don't have to pay for it!), Rescue Dawn (I have no idea either), and Beowulf. So now I will direct some pent up homework ire at Beowulf.

A Mini Rambling Review of Beowulf

OK, two things you should know.
1. I have no idea what this was rated or if anyone saw it.
2. I know absolutely nothing about Beowulf.

Now lets examine these two points... It is rare that I pay attention to other people's reviews of movies unless I personally know that individual. Roger Ebert is absolutely unreliable, have you seen the movie that bears his name The Valley of the Dolls? Crap. Leonard Maltin.... I would never listen to a guy that looks or talks like that. The other reviewers (critics) are not even people I know the name of so we won't break down why they are no nothing poop heads (I wanted to sound smart with that last put down, did it work?). If someone I know tells me something I will listen, even when it is my dad telling me all the reviewers (yes, the ones I don't listen to) panned whatever movie I am excited about. I'll get back to these silly reviewers shenanigans in a moment...

That brings us back to Beowulf. Who? And I should care because? Here is the thing with "classics" they are usually written in a way that a 70 page story requires a 400 page book to explain all the details in order for you to understand the story. It is difficult to read and totally an unrewarding practice, as someone will come along and make a terrible movie out of it eventually. Although, after some conversations with my niece I am reading The Inferno and enjoying it. I burst into tears of laughter when I tried to read aloud and hit a bit a spot of trouble saying "Though thou art". To my credit, I had read nearly an entire Cano by the time that combination of words derailed me into a fit of giggles. Anyway as far as Beowulf goes I did not know he existed until shortly before the movie came out and then I saw the twerp everywhere.

The movie. If you saw the ads you may remember it looked pretty realistic for a computer generated movie which is why I was interested. While watching the movie I saw that they spent so much time on the close up face shots that they forgot that the characters should also move smoothly, they look like poorly animated robots. Angelina Jolie's character was the smoothest and best rendered character but both you and I know that this is because some pervy computer geek painstakingly detailed every pixel as carefully and lovingly as possible.

Then the vocalization of Beowulf.... talk about a lot of yelling that is barely understandable. "IAMBAYOWUL" Yeah.... thanks but keep your day job. The vocalization of Beowulf made me hate him the minute he appeared on screen and then the whole fighting Grendel naked thing? Really cgi rendered man butt? I could have done with a loin cloth at least, thank you very much.

The story? Some king has his village attacked by some deformed dude named Grendel. He lets it be known that any heroes that come and kill this deformed dude will be given them half his kingdom's gold. Like the next day Beowulf is there... but apparently it is actually a while later, yet they give no indication of how long or how many wannabe heroes are bested before he arrives on their shore. Either way he comes in bragging about how he is pimp of the century or some such crap. They (he and his men) drink a lot and he hits on the queen. Then he gets naked to go to sleep and await this Grendel dude. Of course Grendel comes, gets his deformed ear drum burst (yuck!), and his arm ripped off (by a naked dude that has speech problems). Somehow, he dies but not until he comes back to his mommy (Angelina Jolie). We find out the king fathered this monstrosity after being seduced by Angelina... how can you blame him? Anyway she is super mad and decides to strike back and lures Beowulf to her place where she seduces him within 5 seconds.... Talk about a fine moral fiber and courageous dude. Anyway when he gets back he lies and says she is dead, the king knows he is lying. He decides to hand his kingdom to Beowulf and then commits suicide (I said I don't know already).

Years later: Beowulf is a crabby whiny king with no soul. A dragon attacks his kingdom, the dragon is his son he made with Angelina (why his son is not malformed I don't know, stop asking). So he has to kill the dragon... and what about Angelina? She is left alive to seduce again. Anyway in the aftermath of the silly battle, Beowulf's right hand man refuses to listen to Beowulf's deathbed confession. His right hadnd man becomes king (I can only assume Beowulf only fathered the demon dragon dude) and we are left with the possibility that Angelina is seducing the new king....

So what I learned about Beowulf is that he was a fraud, liar and coward. Fantastic.... skip this movie!

See "Misrepresenation is a dish best served cold!" for the continued rant that takes on critics....

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