Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The New Years Card

I just mailed out my Christmas/New Years Cards. A lot of you didn't get one so I included it here....

Happy New Year! Or as they say in Italy “Dove sono i miei pantaloni?”
I know most of you were expecting to see this card in the form of a Christmas greeting. I apologize for my inability to deliver on that but life has a habit of getting in the way. The French sum that up very elegantly with this phrase: “Est-il acceptable de merde ici?”
I guess, instead of spouting elegant French and Italian sayings, I should explain myself. It all happened very innocently and I like to think of myself as a pawn in the events that would take away my ability to deliver on a Christmas related paper greeting. It was a crisp November day, I believe it was a chilly 84 degrees, and I was headed to the post office to get some stamps. It occurred to me that I had no money for the stamps so I went in and held up the nearby bank. Which is a perfectly fine and acceptable thing to do if you live in Canada; but apparently it is not such a good idea in the US. I soon found myself in jail next to Randy Quaid who told me about his encounter with the aliens that caused him to commit some sort of crime. Hearing about that on television is one thing but to get the blow by blow account of all the probing was quite harrowing and kept me up that night. That inability to sleep was a boon for me because I was able to pretend to be another inmate who was getting bailed out at 4 AM. It was a little confusing at first for the person who paid my bail but she soon decided she liked me better than the other guy that was in there. Unfortunately that relationship was doomed before I ever stole her Mercedes and ran over her Zebra (which is an entirely different story).
I found myself still in need of stamps and without a penny to buy them with. So I decided to become a famous member of a boy band. They make lots of money and have marginal talent which meant I was perfect for the job. Unfortunately I did not see any ad in the paper for a boy band looking for their next big star. So I was back to square one. No stamps and no money. That was when I received an email that would (or, more accurately, will) change my life. Apparently I have a long lost relative in Zambia who died with no heirs to give his massive fortune of 4 gajillion Zambian dollars too (or $16.85 in US dollars with a minor transfer fee of $75.23 and of course the lawyer’s fee of $287.19, which is totally reasonable). So there I was and Christmas had passed without a single letter being sent while I awaited my huge Zambian fortune.
Luckily for you I found out that my neighbors have a laptop while I was stealing food from their fridge. That is why you have the extreme joy of getting a welcoming note for the new year. Thank you very much ugly neighbors! I hope your fridge is better stocked next time! Budweiser and Cheetos? Really?
Have a safe and successful new years, love,

Michael Williams
Ps. Think of me fondly as you envy my rapidly approaching fortune or as the Germans say “Seien Sie vorsichtig, oder der Bär wird deine Frau zu stehlen!”