Tuesday, December 12, 2006

Ode to the Apartment Laundry

Ode to the Apartment Laundry

Dearest Laundry Abandoner,
I was dismayed to find a load of stray clothes in the dryer.
It had sat there for at least 30 minutes as I washed my clothes
And with wet garments in hand I found the dryer full.
I was dismayed, upset even
However I had let my laundry sit for 30 minutes in the past as well
I decided to see this as a minor setback, a thing to be overcome.
I made due with one dryer
Absolutely sure that the laundry would be claimed
I set my timer for 30 minutes, half a dryer cycle
Thinking an hour is enough time to remember your wares...
When the half hour passed
I walked down in the dreary rain to find your clothes still retaining the dryer
My mind flashed devilish ideas like depositing your clothes on top of the dryer
But I didn't want to disturb them,
After all it is an easy mistake to make
Maybe amidst getting kids to bed you had temporarily forgotten
I was confident given a half hour longer you would correct this egregious error.
I shouldn't have been so generous.
I loaded my one dryer with my second load of clothes
Knowing that another load was still waiting
And a dryer was sitting filled but not used,
I retired to the Batcave.
An hour went by and I descended from my hovel
Into the dreary rain and down to our humble laundering facility,
Your things still clogged one of the dryers,
Like the edge of spittle on an old man's mouth.
It enraged me
I barely stopped myself from dashing your purloined cloth to the ground
And proceeding to stomp my muddy wet shoes into the fabric.
Instead I loaded my third load into the one remaining dryer
I went back to my perch and in an hours time was called back down to tend my laundry.
Only to find your vile threads festering in the dryer
Causing it to putresce and disintegrate before my eyes.
I finished hanging my clothes and I ascended back to my lair,
Still miffed by your evil inconsiderate ways.
I found myself sitting in front of a seldom used sticky note pad
I began to write all my wishes for your imminent demise upon it
When it occurred to me what I could do to strike a blow against this injustice
So I carefully crafted a note and snuck it back down.
I brazenly stuck the note to the front of the dryer
And it read:

Dear Inconceivably Inconsiderate Neighbor,
I am sorry to inform you of this but the dryer caught on fire while your clothes sat for hours. I was desperate to put the fire out and save the clothing you hold dear enough to have forgotten. So I did the only thing I could do I unzipped my pants and urinated on them. I am sure you will be very glad to know of the courageous and unflinching act I took on your behalf. I need not be thanked personally as I know your many prayers of thanks will include your anonymous benefactor. Anytime you feel like occupying a dryer for hours on end in the future just let me know and I will keep a very close watch on them. Always here for you.
Yours truly,
Urine Man


Robert said...

Your note was crafty... I hope you truely left it!

kevin said...

good one, i to hope you relieved your bodily obligations upon their garb. it would be truely fitting.

ms said...

That was really funny.

Anonymous said...

Hey Michael,
It might be easier loading all your stuff in the car and visiting a laundromat for an evening of fun. During your multiple trips to the laundry, did it occur that you could just dry their clothes and maybe make a connection? Perhaps even one that could proctor a test? I enjoyed the blog and sympathized with your growing anger until I read your note and as you probably already know, it was a bit over the top for me. I'm not into gross bodily theatrics.
Love, Mom

Mike said...

El responso:
Robert -
The note was left. I wish I had a hidden video camera for when they found it and read it.
Kevin -
I didn't urinate on them. That is what makes my note so sweetly passive aggressive. If I had been thinking I would have said "once I soiled your clothes I figured I should redry them" just to seal the deal. If you read the note wouldn't you relaunder them? I hope everytime they grab something from that load they think about urine.
Ma -
It is not convenient to go to an offsite laundromat the closest one is 20 minutes away. Do you really think someone who can't handle doing the laundry would make a good proctor for a test? Besides do I want to wast an entire dollar on a complete and utter jackass? And what good is a passive aggessive note without the gross bodily theatrics???