Saturday, April 29, 2006

#1 Fan Email

I have recently been getting a flood of emails on my site but I was very surprised and happy to hear from one group specifically and that group is the Milwaukie Seniors. Apparently they have seen my blog and in particular the articles on the Park's dedicational benches and their senior center. They had a few words of encouragement for me:

On 4/26/06, Judith Garland wrote:
To Mr. Crazed Lunatik,

We have recently been made aware of your 'website' through Edna's grandson little Billy. When little Billy mentioned we were featured on a 'website' we were naturally very excited and we raced to the computer to see it. We couldn't figure out how to turn the blasted thing on so we signed up for a 'Computers for Seniors' class. The instructer kept confusing us by saying the computer had a mouse and we tried putting out mouse traps but apparently computers need mice. We are still very confused by this whole computer information virus thingie so we have made the teacher show us the 'website'. What we found has shocked us! We are outraged. It made Harold so upset that he had a heart attack and had to be rushed to the hospital! We are sending his bill to you and we are expecting you to come over and listen to us talk about the 'good ol' days'!

We don't find your material funny. It is not ok to make fun of memorial benches or to show pictures of naked people on our billboard. It is definitely not ok to suggest that we lack libidos! In fact just last week Edna, Martha and I were planning a game of naked twister with Harold and George before your internet shenanigans sent Harold to the hospital! So we are very very very upset with you!

We have decided to dedicate a bench to you to show our displeasure. Since it is what you wanted so badly we are giving it to you before George kills you, he used to be a gangster in the 30's. We have had the bench inscribed with: "Milwaukie Seniors Think Mike is a Big Jerk!" They are harsh words we realize and although we might not normally resort to such verbage your antics have brought it out in us!

Expect a severe caning the next time we see you in our senior center or if we catch you near your bench. We would appreciate it if you don't move too quickly when we attack you. We are old and we can't chase down big jerks like you as easily anymore.

Judith and the Milwaukie Senior Swingers

Ps. Little Billy typed up this email for us and is sending the pictures of your bench. This whole email thing is crazy!

Naturally when I read this I was ecstatic! I love getting fan emails. I feel sorry for little Billy having to type about his grandma's twister parties but I am glad they made that snot nosed punk type up the letter. I sent this email back:

On 4/26/05, Mike Williams wrote:
Dearest Milwaukie Senior Swingers,

I was very happy to recieve your email the other day. I hope all is well with Harold so that the Naked Twister parties can resume. I do enjoy hearing from my fans and I will keep dedicating my highest caliber of writing for you and yours. I do recommend getting little Billy into counseling immediately since no one should have to think about their grandmothers naked. I absolutely love the bench and can not wait to have a seat on it. I guess I will see you at the senior plant swap next month, I have a great tomato plant worthy of some trading!

Just as a side note Judith, please pass on to the rest of your group that you and the rest of the Milwaukie Seniors are this week's Reader of the Week! Congratulations and keep taking those computer training courses in about two years you might be ready for the on button!

Yours truly,
Mike Williams
Crazed Lunatik Designs

And here are the pictures little Billy sent!

The bench kind of gives you a warm fuzzy doesn't it?


So the hottest topic of the last few weeks is the ever increasing price of gas and the fact that the gas monopolies show a huge profit. Their argument that they are just adjusting to make up for the increased price of oil seems suspect. I am not surprised that they are making money; they have turned amazingly stifling summer gas prices into an expected trend for the past few years. It is a trend every single one of us has accepted. No matter how much we griped we paid the price and kept driving. Most of the time there was no choice we needed the fuel to get to work. I am in that exact situation again because my phone job starts earlier then the buses get going. My insurance job will also require me to drive. So I am up a creek and there never was a paddle for my boat to begin with.

We know that gas prices are high and no matter how outraged we get that they really won't change the price or lessen our plight. The 'investigation' by the government won't change things either. We are stuck paying the gouging prices and I hate that! It gets me upset and it causes me serious heartburn. In fact I had a panic attack after I saw the final purchase price of the gas I got tonight. I was hyperventilating and everything! What I held in my hand was an amount over 2/3 of 1 day's pay at my phone job. I told the station pump guy: "Next time can we have a little foreplay?" and of course since he is a lowly peon he did not find that at all funny. It was not meant to be. What the gas companies are doing is shooting fish in a barrel. They have a product that a lot of people need to have. Gas fuels the car that gets them to work to pay the bills. What gas companies seem to want is to make you work a second full time job so that you can pay for the gas that gets you to the first full time job to pay the other bills.

So what do we do about it? I know plenty of people that like hugging trees would say we should have a day when no one drives a car at all to show our protests of the gas prices. I am not one of these hippies. I realize that I can have all the no drive days I want but when it's over I have to get gas to go back to work. Other people suggest that we all go and buy alternative fueled vehicles and that will allow us to use less gas. Unfortunately I exist in the real world, I can not afford to have an oil change let alone get a new car that is more expensive because of the 'eco-friendly' label!

I have no choice I will keep driving to and from work everyday. So how am I helping myself and fighting the evil fuel empire? I am rearranging my thought process. My car will be used to go to and from work. I will get gas and food only if I am already in the car because of a work trip. I will walk to places in my neighborhood and I will take the bus on my days off for any sightseeing. It is not a huge change as far as gas consumption, I won't start any revolution or any noticeable dip in the gas companies’ bottom line but it might push my fill up day back 1 more day. That 1 more day may help me a little bit, but it will be a moral victory. Not using my car to see the city will definitely help me actually see more of the city as I sit on a bus cruising through streets to my desired destination and not worrying about the traffic. Most of all it will help me feel better knowing my trip to explore the city did not put money in the gas companies’ pocket. I am not exactly taking food out of their child's mouth but unfortunately that would take more then me. It would take an army....

The store has expanded!

So last night in a fit of inspiration I expanded the products offered at my store. In doing so I had to expand the store a bit so there are now three shopping sections.

The first store is the original store which contains a variety of items. It has the 'Enjoy Your World' mugs, the Magnolia Tree mouse pad, the attack squirrel magnet, the future civilization journal and George's sticker. It also has a few Stewey shirts and a stewey button that reads "I Helped Turn 'Fuzzy' into STEW!" The Stewey items at this store have an expiration date. They will disappear on May 30th, so if you like them you need to get them now.

The second store, the Stewey Store has only Stewey related items. It has 'Stewey and the Reaper' and the NEW 'Ode to Stewey' items. The Stewey and the Reaper items say: "Tell them I know who read the word Broccoli and said EWWWW!! Tell them I Know and I'm coming! You tell them I'm coming and the Reapers coming with me, you hear?! The Reapers coming with me!" The Ode to Stewey items say: "Ode to A RABBIT NAMED STEW!: We have had some good times buddy! I loved the late night mob hits even though all you let me do was drive and carry bodies.... I will miss that. I will also miss sharing the broccoli and cleaning up your staggering pile of poo everyday. I will really miss coming home to you viewing rabbit erotica and videos of broccoli fields that caused you to hump: my shoes, my pillow, my blanket, my broom, my trash can, and all the socks I left lying around. I will miss you stabbing me whenever you felt it was broccoli time. Gosh, those were fun times." This store has shirts, sweatshirts, pillows, tile coasters, stickers, clocks, magnets, hats, bags and aprons!

The third store is the Rent My Dad store. Since not everyone can afford to actually Rent My Dad I developed a line of more affordable Rent My Dad items! This store has shirts, sweatshirts, stickers, magnets, clocks, buttons, caps, aprons, ornaments and a pillow! Text on the shirts read: "Need Rain? Rent My Dad! Only at promise he will smile in your pictures!/Warning: My dad might not actually make rain! Use "Rent My Dad!" services at your own risk." The buttons say "RENT MY DAD! If You Need Rain You Need My Dad!" and the magnets say "Need rain? Rent My Dad! Available Exclusively at: Warning: Use of this product does not guarantee rain or that my dad will perform any chores!!"

Now my shop has more shopping choices! You know you need some CLD swag! Go there today and make your first of many purchases. The store is updated often so keep checking back for more items to fill your home!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Breakfast of Champions

Nothing beats gin and Goobers!

Monday, April 24, 2006

An Attack on Hackey Sacks (And George Speaks Out)

I was taking a walk around the neighborhood today and as I turned a corner on the walk I saw some college aged people playing hackey sack. I noticed none of them were smiling they were just watching each other kick the sack around. This got me thinking about the fact that hackey sack is the worst waste of time ever! Don’t believe me? I’ll prove it! Have you ever….

(Testing…. Testing… can you hear me? Well I guess you can’t answer. This is George Jefferson, Mike’s fish! I just did you all a huge favor; that would have been the most boring couple of minutes of your life! Mike means well but he just is totally missing the mark with this rant. I bet you are wondering what is going on. It is actually quite an interesting situation actually so I am glad you are curious! I invented a device that has let me occasionally take over his mind. I can’t do much with it but I can get him to occasionally buy some great fish treat for me and today I managed to make him write my words in his blog. He doesn’t even realize that you are all missing the various reasons why he thinks hackey sack sucks! I managed to turn the light device on my tank into a transmitter that can temporarily control his actions. I am a freaking genius! You know it’s true! I am doing you a such a big favor, check out this sentence!)

Have you ever had to pick the hackey sack up off the ground every time you get to the third kick? That totally sucks!

(See what I mean about doing you a favor? Talk about boring! He and I have had a few disagreements in the past but ever since I invented this device I have been able to tolerate him. He can be an insensitive jerk sometimes, like last night he asked me if I wanted to take a walk to the park! A WALK! CAN YOU BELIEVE IT!!?? WHAT A TOTAL JERK! HE KNOWS I CAN’T FREAKING WALK! DOES HE EVER ASK ME OUT FOR A SWIM??? NO, NO HE DOESN’T! OK, sorry I need to relax…. Wooo I could have killed him! If it wasn’t for the fact that he feeds me I probably would have. Let’s check in on his ramble.)

I mean who wants to kick around a sack? You know what I mean?


(Click on the picture above! Other then not having the number one item I have been doing well. The fish life is an easy one. I swim around and hide under the filter and then I go to the Buddha statue for a little worship time. Finally I head to the fake plant to seek inner peace. It’s a good life!)

(He is almost done with his stupid hackey sack rant…. I better go. I will talk to you all again real soon!)

And that is why hackey sacks should be destroyed and all hackey sack enthusiasts should be jailed under the Patriot Act!

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Friday, April 21, 2006

The Milwaukie Retirement Center

The local park has a retirement center attached and I sometimes swing by when I am in the park to use the restroom and to look at old people. I walk in with headphones blaring and camera in hand so I figure I am as much of a curiosity to old people as they are to me. So we are aiding and entertaining each other. I have been dropping in a lot lately since I have been taking daily walks in the area, one needs to ponder upon the porcelain throne occasionally. Today I started noticing some disturbing trends at this local retirement hangout or should I call it retired degenerate hangout. You will see what I mean I brought back photographic evidence. I have found destroyed public signs, strange pictures on the community events area and daily displays of thoughtlessness.
I think first I should address the wanton destruction of city property. I have a photo to show you.

Does this look like a good handicapped parking spot to you? It's not even near the building! I wanted to park my car there so that the handicapped people could have my much closer spot that was by the door but I can't afford the ticket at the moment. I decided I would have to take the close spot and they would just have to hoof it. I didn't put up the signs so naturally it isn't my fault.

After my deep pontification session I found myself looking at the community events board and saw that a clever show was coming to town.

Looks cute right? A murder mystery luau, what will they think of next? I bet the seniors are already lined up! The overnight camp outs for this show probably make the Star Wars geeks look soft..... Wait a minute! What is that below the picture???

HOLY NAKED GUY BATMAN! What the hell is this couple doing?? Is this some kind of maid service? Can I just order the naked girl or is the guy included? This is at the Retirement center! Old people aren't allowed to have libidos!! This is an utter outrage!! What is even worse is there is no number to call to see if they will clean my house! Shocking!!

After I was done being floored by that picture I found this event. Which just shows how cruel people can be to each other. Even when the people we are talking about are old, you know like really really old.

Will somebody please tell me how people with Alzheimer's will possibly remember to go to this event? I mean, hello!

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PS. Yeah I went there, sorry folks.... don't get mad it's just a joke.... kiss kiss

Life and Health Test Results

This was the first test I have ever worried ths much about, I do not remember ever worrying before. Well the goal was to pass. Hopefully without having to set up the second test. So I studied and studied. I was very nervous about this test. I never passed any assesments so I was sure it would be an utter disaster. I went in and started the test and the first 10 questions made absolutely no sense to me. I actually think they made up terms and stuck them in the test. I have no recollection of reading about half of these products and I read the books twice! So I was sure as I submitted my answers that I was going straight to jail without passing go! I knew I had failed before he turned to me and said CONGRATULATIONS! I slapped him for playing a dirty trick and he made me take the test again.... Wait no I was actually flabbergasted I started yammering statements like "What?? No freaking WAY!!!" and I nearly yelled "WOOOOO!!" I am still amazed I passed! In order to pass I had to score above a 70% and I scored 71%. So I passed by the skin of my teeth. Now the preperation begins for the Property and Casualty test tomorrow.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The Park and Thoughts of Death

Usually when I go to a park in the spring time I think about new life and beginnings. Today's stroll started out the same; I heard the birds chirping and felt the sun warm my body. I was in heaven and I was in Hades all at the same time because I was trying to study and every little distraction tore me away from the insurance drivel. After about 30 minutes of test taking and researching I decided to go for a stroll with a goal of ending up back at home. I was walking around when I was drawn to the hibernating rose garden to sit and jot down notes. I had not noticed it before but every bench was dedicated 'In Loving Memory'. It started giving me the heebie jeebies; I mean why dedicate a bench to someone that is dead. Then I really started pondering it and I sat my fanny down on Faye's bench to write and think. What exactly is the purpose of dedicating a bench to a deceased love one in a park? Do they get to enjoy it? No. Did they get to brag about it to their cronies? "You know what Joey got me? A bench in the rose garden! And let me tell you it sure is comfy! I know you're jealous!" No, that doesn't happen either. You might believe everyone goes into heaven and has nothing better to do then watch their loved ones carry on with their day to day lives but I am not so sure. In my heaven that part of the day is an hour long program, similar to Sportscenter that just gives you the day’s highlights and the daily paper posts your living relations Heaven - Hell score in the paper. In my heaven, I am way too busy learning to play shuffleboard and canasta to bother with those still alive outside of the one hour long program and the 15 minutes spent reading the Heaven Gazette. That might just be my heaven though. Anyway even if all you get to do is watch your living relatives do you really want to watch them dedicate a bench that they never visit? No, you probably had enough of the lack of visits while you were alive. So if any of you have already reserved my bench in honor of my death, which I am hoping is a long way off, do me a favor and just get it for me now. Then you and I can have a picnic on it and have pictures of it. All I am asking for is to be able to use that bench before I die! C'mon you're getting it for me for crying out loud! I decided at this point to stop pissing Faye off and I got up from her bench to walk around. That was when I started noticing the dedicated bricks had a few loving tributes to dead people as well. So if this was actually your plans for my post-mortem memorial please inscribe it with "This Brick has been dedicated to Michael Williams, although it's an insult to the brick since it has had a lot more meaningful conversations with me!" Bricks of course make a very clean jump to tombstones. I do not want to be stuck in a wooden coffin that cost more then my car and buried in a plot of land. I would much rather be involved in a funeral pyre or better yet a classic Viking Funeral. Of course that having been said I realize there are rules. Since I would be dead you pretty much could do whatever you like. I was envisioning the Coast Guard intervening as you went to light my boat up and the forestry service may frown on the funeral Pyre idea. So if you have to get a tombstone make sure it is clever, at least half this clever "Here Lies Michael Williams. Thank the Lord I had the good sense to get my money back from him last week!" (BEAT THIS TOMBSTONE INSCRIPTION CONTEST! If you come up with a funnier inscription for yourself, your half sister Luna, your mama, your cousin Toto, your next door neighbor Frank or me; please submit it to me! The winner will get bragging rights and more importantly some swag! You can either email me directly or post it as a comment here. The posted comment will be a better way to display your wit since others will see it but either way will work.)

That being said, I wanted to say that I am hoping the post-mortem memorials are a ways off but I am willing to except any living memorial you feel the need to erect, hehe. I was thinking about what I would prefer after my death and that is to have you plant a tree. With every life taken a new one begins. I hope you all enter the contest it's easy and it's free, good luck. Take care of each other and now I return to the insurance books because I feel a nap brewing!

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Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Japanese Garden and the Weather

Yesterday was the first time I had 2 days in a row off from work. I decided to take advantage of all that free time by heading to the Japanese Garden. I was there for about 3 hours. The first hour and a half I spent exploring the place by myself and then I took the guided tour. The tour price is outstanding, it’s free. Another nice thing about the tour is that it explains what to look for and some of the intent behind Japanese Garden designs. I had enjoyed the garden without help but the tour helped me understand what was going on. It basically put words to the visions for me. I was very glad I picked yesterday to go because it was quiet and there were not a lot of people. The guide said that days that had hail and rain were not busy days. Days like today when it is sunny and no clouds are in the sky would be considerably more crowded and the summer months it can be jammed packed. Part of the experience for me was a great sense of peace and calm, which is exactly what the designer meant to get across. The idea behind the gardens is a place to get away from the day to day life and it succeeded. For 3 hours I was completely happy and without a care in the world. Would I recommend you come to this garden when you visit? Yes I would. Click here to view the pictures: Incredible Photos:
The Japanese Garden actually has 5 garden designs on 5 acres of land. I took a few picture of each but some where harder to capture then others. The Natural Garden was a long winding garden that went down the hillside and looked less manicured then the others. It is still maintained but not as structured. This was hard to photograph. The Tea Garden was another that did not get much coverage and that was because it was a little dark I figure maybe later this summer I will have pictures of it maybe even with a tea ceremony being performed. The garden that is the one with the most photos is the Strolling Garden. It takes up a lot of territory and it is the first thing you see. It is also fairly easy to photograph. The Zen Garden was a challenge because it was a rectangular shape and I tried from several angles but was only satisfied by two of the pictures. The Flat Garden pictures also did not come out right so there is only one picture. I will try again some other time and hopefully that day the lighting and weather are more consistent. With the combination of rain, hail and sun the pictures came out strange but I salvaged all the pictures I could which was about a 1/3 of them. A few of them were even amazingly good. Let me know what you think.

Having said that I want to complain that on my two days off it rained and today when I sit down to study for my test it is completely blue skies. We already know it is my dad’s fault that the rain came but I just wanted to say ‘Grrr! Stupid weather.’ I would be ok with rain all week and rain on my days off but clear skies all week and rain on my days off? That is just not right. It is totally teasing me! It even hailed on me yesterday! As much as I want to play today, I have 3 days to prepare for my test so I actually have to get serious so I can pass my impending tests of doom! Enough crying, I am hitting the books.

A Note on My Dad

When my dad visited I put him in charge of figuring out where we would go Saturday afternoon. He let me decide and I do admit I might have picked incorrectly but that is not the point. We were heading over there and he handed me the books and wanted directions well the maps were tiny and I hadn't thought about grabbing my big map. So here we are driving around and he is asking me how far things are and I couldn't tell so he decides I needed a map of downtown. I have a Portland map in my car we just happened to be in his car. I say this but he apparently doesn't hear it so he continues on about the map of downtown and the absolute need that I have of one. We try to use the book maps to judge the distance from the art museum to Powell's but I still am not real sure how far it is. We drive to Powell's and we are walking around and he finds this little free map of downtown and he is telling me I should take it home and put it in my car. I actually already ahve this exact map and I also have a better map in the car in case you missed that point. I hold on to this little map thinking this is my version of the TPS Reports in 'Office Space' because I have a perfectly good map in my car it just is not with us. We tried to use it to find Widmer but of course Widmer is not in downtown so the map was useless. So I put the map down hoping it would be forgotten. He picks the map conversation right back up after we leave Widmer and were headed to the Olive Garden. I manage to leave the map in the car that night in another attempt to leave it behind in his car. Sure enough the next day as we head back from Shari's he sees the map. He starts telling me I need to keep the map because it would be helpful next time even though I still have a better map in my car. So after we do a quick run in to Albertsons so I can pick up some cereal and a few other items I put the map in my grocery bag to appease him.

"Did you get the memo about the DOWNTOWN MAP??" I already have a map. "Hmmm... well I 'll leave this one with you." Ok dad....

hehe I love ya dad.... :)
The map is in my car waiting for your next visit.

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Lackluster day

Well I did not get up to much today. I think I may head downtown tomorrow via the bus system. It will be my first time on the bus. I am kind of excited.

I have been doing laundry all day. Not much fun but it is a whole lot better when the crazy old lady with the furry little dog does not decide to tell me about something random. I always regret not carrying a tazer at least once during the day and more then once she has been the reason. I blame my tazer obsession on Veronica Mars. I always like how she just shocks the hell out of people. It is why I don't have one, because seeing someone get shocked may bring me to the dark side and I may start shocking the hell out of everyone. The old lady, the old ladies dog, my boss, my neighbors, the girl scout peddling cookies, the boy scout with his scout-a-rams tickets, the grocery store manager, security guards that tell me not to take pictures, Policemen just because and most definately attack squirrels. I figure the good thing is that I know this about myself and it causes me to avoid getting a tazer.

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Happy Easter


I did not get around to writing yesterday because my dad and I were running about all day. I worked the first half of the day while he was sleeping because he had spent all night watching TV and not sleeping. I guess that is what happens when you don't have cable; you overdose when you get a chance to watch it. We then headed to the Portland Art Museum. I have wanted to go for quite a while and now that I have been I have no clue of why. I snapped a few pictures before they told me to stop. I would like to share them here: Here is a picture from their floor, my flash sent the security guards searching for me. The above pictures brought down the heat on me, which if you read the blog you know that was the third time I was talked to about taking pictures this week. I was taking a picture of my dad and a security guy told me I was not allowed to because everything was protected by copyright laws. I had spent most of the museum waiting to see good art and did not see any so I snapped pictures of floors and my dad through a window instead of the artwork. There was way too much modern art and most of their old stuff was from the 19th century. Ancient. There was an area called 'Mythical Beasts' that had old Chinese artifacts from 200 to 900 BCE. What does BCE mean anyway I now BC means 'Before Christ' but what does BCE mean? I looked it up and it means 'Before the Common Era'. Other than that exhibit there were a few cool paintings and some nice photos but overall I was pretty disappointed. The pictures I took were in an area that had only one connection back to the main area and until we realized that we were effectively lost. Lost in an area filled with paintings of squares and canvases consisting of one color. I am not saying some of the colors chosen weren't nice but I would not rip off a piece of my painted wall and try to sell it as art so they shouldn't be allowed to either. After the confusion in the art museum we ran to the exit and had to reorient ourselves to find our car. We headed to Powell's City of Books where dad found a few books and I found that the books I wanted were all new and full priced. After over an hour we headed toward the Widmer Brewery. It was extremely hard to find, we were looking for it all over the place and we did not have a decent map to help. When we finally found it we had a great beer, a couple pretzels and a beer sampler. Then we headed to Olive Garden for dinner where I used the 25 dollar gift certificate donated by Maryann and Glenn for my half of the bill. We both ordered an entree even though I had thought about just having the Soup, Salad and Breadsticks for dinner. I had the Parmesan Crusted Tilapia and he had the Stuffed Chicked Marsala. The meal was good, the service was great and with our bellies full we skipped dessert. That meal was pretty much the conclusion of our day and as I write this we are starting to get ready for today. We have no plans and we may not be able to do much since today is Easter. I will let you all know what we got up to, don't worry.

I am sorry that I am missing Easter at Bob and Nancy's today, that had become a tradition while I lived in Phoenix. I hope you all have a great Easter no matter how you spend it.

Friday, April 14, 2006

A new product idea

Work was exciting. The calls were coming in non stop just like usual when somehow I managed to crash my computer. I had to restart the computer and log in again. When I went to log in it did not let me. So I went to the supervisor station and they let me know that the computer system was having issues and more then likely I would be waiting until the end of my shift with it trying to log me in.. So I sat back down at my desk and read for the last hour and 15 minutes of my shift. That was great!

It's raining today. I have a theory about the rain; I think it is all brought on by my dad. I think that when ever he goes somewhere he packs along the rain or sends it ahead as a warning of his impending arrival . I came up with this theory because it was sunny and nice all week but as it neared my dad's visit the rain and clouds came. It also rained in Phoenix during Maryann's wedding and their is a common thread here and it is my dad's visit. I bet it even rained in Italy! If it didn't I bet it will soon because maybe it is not too good at traveling over the ocean. It took two days to get from Oregon to Arizona so it could take a while to hit Italy. With that theory in mind, I would like to announce the next product I have in mind for the line. Itis called 'Need Rain? Rent My Dad!' I have some preliminary pricing for this feature. I figure with airfare, gas, car rentals and other travel expenses we are looking at $700 dollars provided you house him and feed him. If you would rather not house or feed him the cost will be $1000 because he needs the finest hotels. I must have at least a month advance order to set it up and that is from the time that I recieve your payment. To rent my dad for a weekend just select your choice below:

To feed and house him yourself select this option:

To just have him fly in and stay for a few days without actually having him stay in your house, choose this option:

DISCLAIMER: "Rent My Dad!" in no way guarantees rain it just possibly might increase the chances of rain. If you do not get rain from it there will be no refunds. This product is pending approval from my dad, dates may need to be changed to accomodate the trip. Purchasing his time does not obligate him to any chores at your house it simply means he will fly in and possibly bring some rain. If my dad decides to not participate, since he does not know about it yet due tothis being a recent brainstorm and the fact he has not been reading the blog, I (the owner and purveyor of can fly out myself for no extra cost, bet Bill Gates doesn't offer to fix your computer for you! If you insist on my dad and he is unavailable or decides not to participate will refund your money minus paypal's processing fees. Refunds will only happen because no trip was made. Please enjoy "Rent My Dad!" responsibly.

A report on the last two days!

I had an afternoon all planned but the weather turned cold and dreary so I decided to stay indoors. With my plans now canceled I had a free afternoon so I decided to hit some stores for a little classic window shopping. I had planned on taking a few pictures of myself reflected in the lakes around the Japanese Garden in downtown Portland. I was a little disappointed with the weather since I needed a new picture for the site. Then it hit me, I would use the fancy shops mirrors to take my picture. I was able to take 3 pictures before I was chased out of Crate and Barrel. That did not deter me I headed over to Z Gallerie and took one picture of myself and I was 86'd from the store. So I got a great picture through their display window, it has me in the mirror and also reflected on the window. That became the new site picture you can see it by scrolling to the previous post. I had a lot of fun taking pictures before I had worn out my welcome which took just 15 minutes. I spent the next hour at Borders wandering about trying to find something to read, if I had I was planning on having a cup of coffee and reading for a few hours. Unfortunately nothing was keeping my attention even though it would have been free to read while I was there, so I headed home to write this blog, update the site and tell you about yesterday. Yesterday was a grand day. Well the last part of it was anyhow. The first half was abhorrent. Let me tell you why. I had a later start time for work and I decided to sleep in a little bit. When I finally got up I still had plenty of time as I started getting ready for the day. I packed a lunch, I made coffee, and I got my books, camera, note pad, iPod and my cell phone in my messenger bag. I was ready to go but I still had time so I sat down to drink a cup of coffee and have a bowl of cereal when I bumped my elbow and spilled hot coffee all over myself! OUCH!!! So I rushed to change clothes and it took a few minutes to get ready because basically I had to re-shower to get clean again. I went back into my room and started putting on clothes when I noticed that all the time I had was gone. So I rushed out of the house forgetting the coffee pot was on. I realized that fact as I was about to get on the freeway. So I turned around and headed home to turn off the coffee pot. With that done I rushed out of the house, hopped on the freeway and was at work right on time. That was when I realized the new cup of coffee I had poured to take to work was at home sitting next to my bowl of cereal that I never ate because of the coffee spilling on me. I was irritated, which is not the best way to get on the phones to answer questions for degenerates. Degenerates that somehow think it's your fault their bank has non-sufficient funds to process their transaction. They also think it's my fault that they forgot to pay the bill and they lost their minutes. This had not been getting to me until yesterday. If I could have ripped them limb from limb I would have. All I wanted to say was "I am sorry but you have to be 10% smarter then the cell phone in order to keep this account open, unfortunately Mr./Ms. Soandso it appears you do not meet minimum operating requirements your phone will be canceled and a stupid tattoo will now be added to your forehead. Please hold still, this will be painful."

So when my shift ended all I wanted to do was stomp on flowers or kick babies or something equally as horrible. I was going to go home and sulk in peace but when I got in my car and looked at my bag of tricks I realized I needed to go outside and enjoy the day, after all the sun was shining and it was only noon. So I headed to the Hoyt Arboretum since I knew it was free admission. It was the best move I could have made, in fact when I get some money I might become a H.A.F. (Hoyt Arboretum Friend). I headed down one of several paths with my bag and my lunch. I took some pictures of the magnolia trees which until yesterday I had always thought were some little flower but apparently I had always been wrong. I loved the smell, it was quite intoxicating and within 5 minutes I had the largest smile ever.

I sat down nearby jotted a few thoughts down and had my sandwich before I headed off to wander. I ended up heading through the Winter Garden to the ‘Wildwood Trail’ and then down to the Japanese Garden. When I reached the Japanese Garden I realized my 4 dollars would not get me in since it was less then half of the 8.25 entry price. I was a little disappointed as I headed back to my little trail until I saw that every car in the employee parking area was a Toyota. That sent me into a fit of laughter. If you have no idea what I am going on about just put ‘Japanese Garden’ together with ‘every car in the employee parking area was a Toyota’ and it might click. If it does not, think of where Toyotas are made and it should. Get it? Good I was beginning to wonder who I had invited to read my blog.

I headed back up the trail and talked to every person I came across. All of them seemed very happy to be at the arboretum. I snapped pictures of animals and plants on the way back to my car. Here is a little feisty guy I snapped this even though I was convinced he was about to leap, he didn’t leap so I was very happy.

I was about to run away like a little screaming girl when I moved too quickly and scared him up a tree. I had a nice conversation with the lady in the gift shop and I was totally refreshed by the time I headed home. So if you are having a bad day, stop what you are doing and enjoy your world.
Just to let you know I am trying to explore some places around here so that when you all come to visit I might have some places to take you. Anyway I hope you are all having a fantastic week.

Just a side note: Mom good luck on the job hunt!

Oh and check out Jason on his new bike! ACTION SHOT!!!

And Katie is on a soccer team and because of that they won the game. Yes it was all because of her; she is like a ‘Michael Jordan’ of soccer or something. She should change her number from 17 to 23. In fact you better ask her for an autograph now because one day she will charge you for it. Remember: All my facts and beliefs are based on the best research available, seriously!

I can’t seem to locate the ball in this picture , which is just an observation. Jason and Katie's photo are courtesy of my mom. Thanks.

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Thursday, April 13, 2006

Window Shopping!

I spent the afternoon window shopping, it was a total blast! Well sort of, not being able to purchase anything was a drag!

Tuesday, April 11, 2006

The day off

I was not real sure what I wanted to do with myself today, I had today off and this was the first day that I did not need to go to the insurance school to study. I woke up and had breakfast. I checked my email and noticed the astonishing lack of emails except from my mother. Thank goodness for moms, otherwise who would talk to us. Apparently in my case Kevin would so that was the other email I had. I started looking around for things to do and I decided to explore the blog world and I found so I decided to give it a try. I was not real inspired to write so I headed out to hit downtown. The traffic was horrible and I was getting so irritated that I just decided to turn around. I realized I was starving so I headed to Baja Fresh and had some tacos that tasted good but just pushed everything in front of it out within 20 minutes. I decided to hit the park after the bowel evacuation and it was a nice day. I would say it was most definitely short weather. I of course was overdressed in jeans. I found a set of bleachers and sat down and did some writing until some guys drove up near me and started hitting golf balls and talking loudly. With the peace and tranquility shattered I moved on and returned to the sleeping rose garden and took a quick nap on the bench while I listened to my iPod.

It was not as nice as the day before but hey....

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Test mode

I have decided to try out a few blogs to get a feel for who I like to use the most. Having no idea how to modify the blogs I am relying on their choices so this blog spot is currently in test mode.