Saturday, October 27, 2007

Stewey: The Rabbit in Black

Well.... I have more bad news on the blog contributers front. Stewey has passed on to the big pasture in the sky where he can cavort about and meet ladies and make hundreds of babies and never worry about running out of food or becoming food. Stewey the zany little gangster rabbit died recently in a horrible gangster style hit by one of his many many enemies. It was unexpected and unfortunate. Stewey's right hand man Sherbie the Love Bun was also found dead at the scene. Stewey was known for his zany behavior like disappearing for weeks to Florida and then pretending to be hiding in the closet all that time. He also was a roommate of mine and I will definitely miss hanging out with the Stew.

Rest in peace Stewey!

Rest in peace Sherbie!

A recent Get Fuzzy comic by Darby Conley (click on it to make it bigger):

Even comic artists who never met Stew sing his praises.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

My Tips for A Successful Blog

I have been looking around at people's blogs a lot lately.... I like to see their designs and what they prattle on about and I have noticed a trend. Some of the worst looking, most boring blogs feel it necessary to share how to be successful at blogging. I figured, since they suck at blogging themselves and I actually find my blog to be very entertaining, I should write how I have gathered my legion of 2 or 3 hard core fans. So here it is: My blog about blogging blog stuff good.

1. Your blog is yours.
You have to realize first and foremost any a-hole with access to a computer can blog. Case in point... me. So you are not unique and you have not reinvented toast. You are the one that ultimately has to be satisfied with what is on your blog since you will read it a few times just to make sure it is post-able. If you're anything like me you will occasionally revisit some of your old posts that were freaking classics and laugh at them for their sheer awesomeness.

2. Content is important.
Some people say focus your blog so you can be "THE" blogger people turn too for info on whatever stupid topic you are "THE" blogger of. That probably works for really incredibly boring people very well. I am sure it is a great strategy if you want to be the guy that makes the stupid cat pictures that make me laugh at 3 am when I am sleep deprived. Or if you want to be all 'News' oriented. I don't read these blogs... I am sure they are very well done or whatever, but news? Really? Can you be any more lame? I tend to write about things that catch my fancy. Like stupid cops or bad laundry users or whatever. Once again the key to content is ultimately you like what you have at your blog. Maybe Bobby Jo in Tuscaloosa does too but do you really freaking care? I mean who names their kid Bobby Jo? What grown individual doesn't just say enough I want to be called Bobby or Joe but not freaking both!

3. Variety Is awesomeness!
Sometimes when you feel you should blog but you really don't have anything to write or express it helps to find some stupid video from the 90's where a guy raps about copyright laws.... then pretend like people really should watch it because you watched it for 30 seconds and laughed.

4. Mockery is the closest thing to godliness.
Sometimes you should blog just to make fun of people; like the Portland police, other bloggers or old people. It helps you feel happy and gives a few people a laugh and one of those few people is you and hell I know a good laugh would do you some good you silly sour puss!

5. Ego is as ego does.
I have no idea what that means and neither did the people who made Forrest Gump say the same thing about stupidness. It means nothing. It's brilliant! Just like you should feel about your own blog about nothing. It's how I feel about my blog about nothing.

Now that you know my secrets go into the world and multiply.... but read my blog daily. It keeps your heart healthy and stuff! And buy my blog stuff at It has a calendar for you to put on your wall..... and it has cool pictures of things that are not about nothing! Yay!

Monday, October 22, 2007

Don't Copy That Floppy (HIGH QUALITY version!)

This is a pretty funny anti-piracy ad from back in the day. You don't have to watch it all but at least let him spit some game for ya.

There was, as there usually are, some comments after the video but this time one of them was funny so I stole it and I am posting it here:

napyuu (commenter's name)
wow, you see kids,

In the 80's all you had to do was senselessly mash on the keyboard to play a game and magic hip-hop artist would enforce the copyright laws.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

Steam - A poem

Steam released in the crisp morning
Sends signals to my brain
I look in shock
thinking the world is on fire

Thursday, October 18, 2007

The Portland Bomb Scare

I was sitting at work minding my own business when this email was sent out...

Breaking News From KATU: Please use extra caution when outside of our building and note road closures and MAX shutdown.

PORTLAND, Ore. - Bomb-sniffing dogs being used for a TOPOFF exercise in northeast Portland on Thursday detected the real thing, prompting police to cordon off a hotel, close nearby streets and shut down the MAX.

According to Brian Schmautz with the Portland Police Bureau, as officials were doing a sweep of the Doubletree Hotel located near the Lloyd Center, bomb-sniffing dogs got a hit on a vehicle in the vicinity.

There is currently a heavy police presence in the area while police investigate. The TOPOFF exercise scheduled to take place at the hotel has been canceled.

Nearby Benson High School is in lock-out mode and will be for the duration of the school day. Since the MAX is shut down, school buses will be transporting students who normally take a train home to alternate MAX platforms away from the Lloyd Center area.

Naturally I freaked out and hid under my desk whimpering like a wee little lass. The hotel in question was just across the freeway and if it blew up there would probably be hardly anything that happened to my place of work. So I sat there all atwitter with fear. Of course within moments of reading this email I had turned it into a joke and kept asking people if they wanted to go to the Lloyd Center to go shopping. No one did.... Then this email came out a few hours later.

From KATU: Please find an update to the earlier news story.
.........Police immediately cordoned off the area so they could investigate. They later discovered that the dogs had detected traces of explosives in police and military vehicles that were involved in the exercise that was being staged. The bomb residue is something common in those type of vehicles.

Crews are working to give the all clear. Meanwhile, MAX service remains shut down between the Rose Quarter and the Hollywood District. TriMet is offering bus service to get people around.

So in case you missed it.... The cops freaked out because during an exercise to train dogs to find bombs, the dogs found something that smelled like a bomb. They naturally barricaded the place stopped traffic from going through there, messed up a bunch of people's commutes especially the people that use mass transit. Then after a few hours of intense investigation they deduced that the dogs could smell the bomb residue in the officers cars....

I wonder if this was their official statement: "Ladies and Gentlemen of Portland. Thank you for you concern about the 'bomb' but it was actually are crack team of professionals that transport bombs that made the dogs smell a bomb. Yes, what we are saying is that our test to see if our dogs were any good proved that the dogs were indeed excellent but their human counterparts are incompetent. We have decided to rethink giving badges out with every tenth coffee bought at the downtown coffee shop near the precinct as it might not have been our best move. Furthermore our bomb squad is hiring.... if you are actually almost as smart as a dog we want you."

Portland PD rocks! WOO!!!

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Cold Medicine Is Magic - a poem

My dayquil addled brain
is awash in pretty images
I react slowly to questions
I seem to almost ponder my words
And damn if I don't come off as a good listener
But it won't last
I can't have a cold forever
Does dayquil make me a better person?
Should I never stop taking it?

Saturday, October 13, 2007

Leaf Blowers Blow - A Poem

Yellow leaves fall
I kick them as they brown
It's a flow of vibrant colors
Always amazing, the beauty,
And out of death.
The leave falls to the ground
Waiting for loud blowers to come by
Move them to where they belong...
But I am not done kicking them!
I missed the seasons as a kid
No yard of leaves to rake into a pile
That call for you to jump in
Stupid leaf blower man
Stop that!
How will I ever recapture my lost youth!
Evil, evil satan worshipping gardener!

- Rev. Michael James Williams

Thursday, October 11, 2007

A new calendar!

Hello All! I have recently put together a new calendar! Check it out and then buy it by going here:

You know you want it!

Mastermind - A Poem

He swore it wouldn't happen again
And yet there it was
Plain as day
What would be his excuse this time
"how did that get there?"
The old innocence technique, Good one!
Yet they don't buy it
"It followed me home, honest!"
Good show old chum,
That one will definately work
That's odd they seem to be rejecting it
"my dog ate it!"
Hmmm... a bit confusing
Good ploy throw them off their game!
And yet still no success...
I am at a loss for how will he explain it this time
I think he is caught this time...
"I love your new hairstyle! You look radiant!"
UH...... uh.....

- The Reverend Michael James Williams
July 19, 2004

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

Corporate Practices - A poem

The company stock has dropped.
A cry from above,
An evil CEO overlord calls out
"I need the blood of CHICKENS TO FLOW!
Fill the streets with their blood....
Your job depends on it!"
The company has failed to sacrifice enough chickens
And their doom has been spelled out
People no longer feel the need to be loyal
The spell is broken
The devil made a new deal
He has a new top corporation
They steal, they cheat, they lie
And worst of all they give more blood
Poor, poor chickens!

-Michael Williams 10/5/2007

Tuesday, October 09, 2007


I went out to a pumpkin patch this weekend. I ended up taking 3 pumpkins home. Two small pumpkins I keep meaning to bring to work.... and one huge mammoth Pumpkin. I am not kidding when I say huge, it weighs 44 pounds! This is the point where I would normally supply a picture but.... that will have to wait. We are getting internet at home this week so it won't be long. How is fall treating you so far?

***Updated! 10/10/2007****

The pumpkin as promised. Of course this means someone has internet! Oh my!

Monday, October 01, 2007


IT'S OCTOBER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Woohoo! I love October. I have no idea why. It might be the whole halloween thing, or the constant excuse to watch horror flicks, or my memories of being a haunted house spook, or the feeling that it's ok to carry around a big bag of little bags of candy. It really doesn't matter in all reality but I really like October. I am going pumpkin picking next Saturday! Yay! Which of course means pumpkin carving! Pumpkin seed roasting too! I also like that the season changes. The leaves are all starting to turn and I am wearing a fuzzy jacket outside. I love wearing fuzzy jackets! The weather is chilly enough to bundle up in the mornings and evenings here and it is great. I think I am going to go buy a bunch of hot chocolate and hot apple cider packets! Woo! It makes me wonder what other parts of the year make other people feel unnaturally giddy. I mean something besides summer. I think everyone feels like stripping to their skivvies and going down to a watering hole and playing the days away when summer hits. So I guess I don't really see looking forward to the summer as being realistic. Actually now that I think of it I love living where seasons change because every change makes me all excited. Even when the sun stops coming out and it never warms up (otherwuse known as winter) I like that change. Although not as much as summer to fall.

I suddenly feel like walking again. I like being outside in the colder time periods. I walk faster and I use my headphones as earmuffs and I just get going. I like kicking leaves. I always find myself wishing I had some big plans for Halloween that involved getting dressed up and handing out treats or taking someone to get treats. It's funny but I miss that more then the wild ragers we had in college. I like the idea of getting free candy and being one of the people that hands out the free candy. Free candy is a very good thing. Unfortunately my experience with apartment living is no one comes by and you end up eating all the candy yourself and sometimes you end up being sick for like a week after Halloween because of your constant candy intake. That is kind of fun too. I like the post sugar binge mornings where any food makes you feel ill just by glancing at it and some jerk decides the day after Halloween is a good day to bring in donuts. It's like vowing never to drink again after one of those long ago Halloween ragers.... only to end up having another drink that very afternoon when you think the worst had passed and starting the cycle all over again. I do that now with the Halloween candy... let me tell you those sugar hangovers are pretty hard to shake. See your taste buds still crave the sweet but your tummy will not allow it. Some people's minds can't let them even imagine eating sugary goodness either but mine is too busy thinking up little stories for my comics to pay attention to my tummy or my tastebuds...

Anyway Happy October!