On the radio I heard a distressing story. Business Week in all their awesomeness has decided that of all the locales in the US that Portlanders are the most emotionally damaged. Apparently my general good feeling was merely a false positive.... I was unhappy. The news was hard to take. I sat in my car and drove home under a cloud of despair.... on a sunny day. It was tragic.... I am currently learning how hard typing from a fetal position is. It is freaking tough!
The worst thing about this was thinking of all the fake smiles and false happiness I encountered the last few months. I was so glad Business Week set me straight.... the hotline I am calling has me on hold. I figured, since the all knowing people at Business Week not only told me that I live in the land of unhappiness but also included a national suicide hotline number in the story, that the least I could do was call! I was not sure what to do when I reached a person unfortunately, having just become aware of my eternal loss of happy. I am not sure how to act as Business Week did not really clearly tell me how I was feeling so I am not sure how to confess my depression. I am going to write out the conversation for you guys and hope it helps fellow sad Portlandians!
Hello Sad People Hotline!
Yeah... uh hi.
Hello, can I have your name?
It's Mike. What's yours?
Joan of Arc
You were on the Ark? Like Noah's?
No sir. Can you tell me the nature of your problem?
I was kind of hoping you could help me out with that.
Sir, this is not a place to call for jokes...
No! Wait let me explain! I live in Portland!
Portland! Holy HEYSEUSS! Why didn't you say so!? You are very valuable to society, things will get better! The sun will come out soon! You should take a happy vacation! Call your friends and Family! Stay on the phone and talk! Keep your head out of the oven! Don't do it! Unload the weapon! Put the pills down! Call 911! OH my! WHY AREN'T YOU SAYING ANYTHING TO ME MARK??!!?!?!
Uh... it's actually Mike. Not Mark.
Mark! Thank goodness you're still there! I want you to listen to me! Just because Portland is rainy is not a reason for you to die! Please don't do it!
OK. Do what exactly? You see I am confused...
Of course! It is very confusing but you have a lot to give to society! DON'T DO IT! YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR!!!!
Hey Ms. Of Arc? Can I tell you my thinking here? Or do you think constantly interrupting a Portlander on such a day as this is good practice?
I would love to listen. Go ahead and start talking Mark.
My name isn't Mark but OK. So I was feeling pretty good today...
Sure! Lot's of people feel a roller coaster of emotions during hard times! Hang in there Mark!
Uh... yeah. About that. I still feel pretty good but I heard that Portland is the Unhappiest City and I was worried that I didn't fit in here. I feel like I am "trapped in a glass case of emotion" right now but they are pretty happy emotions. I like Portland and would hate to be kicked out, because I insist on having a positive demeanor, to a place like Delaware that had no cities on this list. Which I don't see as being possible considering how lame Delaware sounds... I mean has anyone actually ever admitted to being from Delaware? Of course it could be worse and I could be in New Mexico.... I hate New Mexico. I was looking at this list and I definitely agree with some of the names on the list.... try as they might people who live in Tucson, AZ know Tucson sucks. Jacksonville, FL? Boo! Sacramento? Yeah... NEXT! Las Vegas? Being stuck there for more then a weekend is a depressing thought. But Portland I just don't get, and where the heck are the Delaware and New Mexico cities?
I completely agree that Portland seems out of place on that list Mark.... but it was a Business Week survey! I mean we are talking Business Week!
I know. I know. So that is where you come in. Obviously I am in denial here so what should I do?
Take it one day at a time Mark. You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and there ya have... the facts of life. In fact, why don't you call back in every day through this tough period in your life. Everyday at this time, OK?
Gee Joan! You are so freaking helpful! Thank goodness for Business Week's awesome reporting! With out them I would never have met someone who knew Noah! Bye! -click-
PSA - Depression and suicide are not funny things.... If you are having a rough time make a call to a hotline or a caring friend. We really do want you to hang in there :) THE MORE YOU KNOW!
PS on the PSA - I am making fun of Business Week in this post... I have yet to meet anyone who actually subscribes to this rag. Those who do must be pretty boring people. What kind of a business article focuses on the 20 Unhappiest Cities??? Stupid. Blow it out your a... elbow Business Week!