Monday, February 26, 2007

A New Award Show

Hey all I am in here procrastinating on a perspective drawing due tomorrow but this blog has been neglected way too long. I have had an idea boiling about in my head for a while. I may have talked to you about it if you dared to broach the subject of the multiple award shows where actors and musicians get an award for doing what they are paid to do. I am not fond of this practice, I think it is ridiculous that these people get paid a lot of money to play pretend and then they award themselves for doing what they should do. It is ridiculous that people would have the audacity to organize an event to pat themselves on the back. I hate awards, I am not really enthused about getting them at work for being nice to customers because that is what I am paid to do but it is something the company does for morale. I like the 15 minutes off the phone. However, I do not get to be on television and give an acceptance speech where I thank God 250 times and everyone I ever met:
"I would like to thank God for letting me wake up feeling positive in the morning. I also want to thank my parents because without that special night I wouldn't be here. I would like to thank the Lord for watching out for me. A big thanks goes out to the Starbucks guy that convinced me to make my drink a triple shot latte, the Baby Jesus that showed up to wash away all the sins, and the grocery checkout lady who did a price check on an item I thought was 20 cents less then the register rang it up for. I want to give a shout out to God, because without him I would stab pizza delivery men and most of all I want to give another shout out for the baby Jesus" Music starts to play. "Oh no! Don't start the music yet you big ol' baton waving goon, I am not done. Oh Lord help me not kill the man with the little stick. Please Baby Jesus take that Oboe player in the third row. God don't hate the orchestra because they done your follower wrong. I am going to finis my thank you's!" Crowd cheers, orchestra gets louder. "Alright I can talk loud too! I want to thank my manager Jojo the circus monkey, without him all my talent would be wasted. I want to thank the guy that sat in the cubicle next to me that gave me a croissant last week. And most of all I gotta give it up to God, my Lord and the Baby Jesus!"

Another thing I hate is they get all kinds of free things for being rich and famous. Why do they get free stuff I have to pay for? They can afford it!! Oh and don't get me started on the fact that designers create dresses for the super famous wealthy people and they don't have to buy the dang thing they get to wear it for free! It is a bunch of crap! So I am fighting back I have decided to start the REPETITIVE TASKS AWARDS. I have selected a few categories already. They are as follows:

Chewing Your Food Thoroughly Award
Opening Your Mail Award
Going To Work Award
Answering The Phone Award
Paying Bills Award
Deleting Spam Emails Award

And my personal Favorite:
Best Excuse Used To Not Be At Work Award

I have yet to find sponsors so if you want to sponsor the event I am more then willing to put your logo anywhere. Even if you are A little blue pill company or a prophylactic company. If you think that is random place the company names along with the Award show name and you will get the humor, maybe. I am working on a proper statue or something to give the winners. I am also looking for TV airtime so if you are a TV company and have space to fill this is your Awards show! If we do get on the air I need a host. I could also use some judges and just to let you know bribing judges is an acceptable practice for this series of awards, in fact it's encouraged. If you think I need to add a category let me know.

Most importantly if you know someone or are someone who would be a great candidate for an award please submit your name to me. I hope to announce the nominees by next Friday aka, March 9th.


Anonymous said...

I would like to nominate my beautiful wife Maryann for the Snoring Award. This appears to meet the criteria for a repetitive task. It's a very pleasant, ladylike sound but snoring is snoring. I'm sure she would like to nominate me for something too... perhaps the Annoying Music award? (too much hair metal on the playlist, I guess)

Michael Williams said...

Well I guess snoring is repetitive but I am not sure if it is a task, I guess putting up with snoring is a task. So I think I may have to put Glenn up for the award. Which brings up an interesting dilemma about the annoying music, if we go the same route Maryann would get the nod for putting up with it but Glenn could get the nod for repetitively seeking out bad music, purchasing bad music and playing said bad music. It all depends on where you want to go with it. I want my award to be for something you do well not something you do and other people deal with because then I would win for snoring and the people that deal with my snore are the ones that need an award. Just like it isn't the bill collector that gets the award it is the bill payer that would.

Michael Williams said...

We have a set of values here this isn't give your annoying neighbor an award saying Most Annoying Neighbor award although that gives me another award show to start. Holy crap I can make an award show for everything!

Robert said...

While I feel your pain in regards to the speaches, I am going to have to play devil's advocate. I'll start with the freebies/swag. While it bums me out that personalized bags full of goodies are given to people with money, I agree with the motive. Come on Mike, you have to agree as well because you like Malcom Gladwell's books. It's kind of like the tipping point - by putting these items into the hands of "famous" people who are in the news and photographed way to much, you can create a buzz for your product. You also have to realize that not all of these celeb's keep these gifts, soem dontate them to auction's for charities. Many of the swag bags from the Sundance Film Festival were auctioned off on ebay.
Next, just because acting/singing is their job, they still deserve recognition for jobs well done. Most award shows are based on peer and fan votes. Wouldn't you like to know that your peers voted you "sexiest beast alive!"

Michael Williams said...

Famous people stink. I want free stuff, that is really what my rant is about. Oh and a lot of money. I do not deny I am a little jealous. I also do not deny that our stupid society makes famous people a great way to sell products. It is incredibly smart advertising to get your wares on a famous person. Hell I give away a lot of my wares to non-famous people to spread the word about my website and I would absolutely be thrilled if I actually hooked a celebrity. But a whole blog where I say how great of marketing ideas free gift bags are is not something that people would read. Throwing a tantrum about rich people congratulating themselves and then making fun of their award speeches while I am in the middle of putting together a pointless award show myself where all the free awards and swag will come from my design is pure blogging gold. It is called a smart hook. Yeah you know you want to see the repetitive task awards swag. Guess you better nominate yourself. Oh and by the way send my blog to Malcom Gladwell if you get a chance he might enjoy it.

Robert said...

Gladwell's website is average, I actually thought it would have been better. hence I have only been there once and never returned.

Michael Williams said...

I just visited and I have to tell you I saw no reason to return. His area where he has speaking engagements it just has My Speaking Engagements are handled by the Leigh Bureau and I assume that is a link but if I was looking to see if he was doing any speaking in my area I am not really going to click another link to look for it elsewhere. That is just stupid. His site is a little less then compelling. Funny that.