I have had the privilege of receiving some reader email lately and figured I would write a blog where I answer the email publicly. Here is the first email, sent in by Julia:
Subject: I can be your trophy girl!
You have an invite to JuliaS334 personal profile.
Hey there, Lover!
I'm 20 years old and looking for a sugar daddy.
If you make me happy, I'll make you happy too! ;)
Want to say hi?
http://WEB ADDRESS WITH HELD
Julia! Thanks for being a reader! I am so glad that you enjoy my blog. There are a few things I should address with you. First of all I am in no position to be your sugar daddy because I am unemployed and have been so since June 2008. I appreciate the offer though... keep up the good work. Finally, last time I checked love and knowing people have to happen before you can call me "Lover." Either way it sounds like things are going well for you Julia, I am sure your parents are proud!
The second letter comes to us all the way from the United Kingdom!
From: Kelvin Smith
Subject: Vacancy Opening (respond immediately)
I hope this email meets you in good health. I feel quite safe dealing with you in this mutual beneficial transaction. Though, this medium Internet has been greatly abused, I choose to reach you through it because it still remains the fastest way to get in touch with people.
I am Mr. Kelvin Smith; an artist married with a wife and 2 lovely kids. I am 40 years old and paint for a living (I have been painting for the past 18 years). I have a vacancy opening available in my studio because I am setting up studios in different parts of the world and will need a Representative to work for me on a part time basis in the US now.
I sell Arts all over the world and have sold to both galleries and private collectors. I always face serious difficulties selling my art works to most of my US clients. This is because most times they offer to pay with either Money orders or checks which are difficult for me to cash here in United Kingdom. I need someone in the states to work as my representative and assist me in processing these payments and I will be willing to pay 10% for every transaction completed.
For this to be possible, I will need you to provide me with your basic personal info such as:
1. Full Name:
2. Contact Address:
5. Zip Code:
7. Phone Number:
I will never ask you for anything more than that, no bank name, bank account number, credit card, social security number etc. If anyone asks for those on my behalf please do not give out this info. This is to ensure that you will not be the victim of identity theft.
First step in this job is for you to wait at home for checks sent by my clients via regular mail or FedEx to get to you. After you receive the checks you will have to go to the bank to cash them, this will happen of course after the bank clears them. The time it takes for the check to clear depends on your bank.
I need you to be trustworthy and honest with me for I am ready to employ you for 6 months until I am fully established. If you are interested in working for me, kindly send the needed information to my email: firstname.lastname@example.org. I await your reply
Kelvin my art peddling friend! How are you doing? I was excited to hear from you in your recent letter and was amazed that you had time to also read my blog and know that I was looking for a job! Your offer sounds very generous and like something I could do in my spare time! People that say nothing comes for free must be suckers! I mean here you are barely even knowing me and willing to send me a lot of money just to cash checks for you! That is fantastic! You should just send those puppies immediately! I am standing right next to my mailbox in anticipation! I had no idea that the banks in the United Kingdom had such a hard time processing money! Talk about a win for me! I hope you, your beautiful wife and the 2 lovely children have a fantastic year peddling art! Keep reading!
This last letter comes from someone who has a few choice words about my videos and podcasts. You may recognize this person as they are kind of a big deal!
Subject: An upset fan!
From: Rod Blagojovech (Imdaguv@exgovernors.com)
I have to lodge a complaint with you! I am not satisfied by your blog of late. First off I don't get what happened to the very intriguing podcasts. You promised that you would record weekly and I would get to hear your sweet sweet voice! You do like 3 and then leave me hanging! You are a cruel cruel man.
Even more egregious are the videos you keep putting up! First you tell me about the evils of flowers, then you show me the Volvo tractor and your weird tractor like cars. I don't know what to make of this! It was baffling! Since when do you think it is ok to not write blogs and simply make inane videos? Even more distressing is that you never show yourself in these videos and simply tease me with your voice. I could take all the videos as long as you appeared in them. Instead I have to sit outside your window and hope you open them... which of course you never do! Are you a vampire?? The latest videos are baffling to me. You have a cow and a dog talking and a pig playing music??? What evil sorcery is this! How did you get those animals to talk?! My dog never talks and certainly doesn't work at Wendy's!
Former Governor Rod Blagojevich
Wow! Blago! What an honor! It is rare to get a disgraced politicians email! Even for someone as popular as me! I need to first ask you to stop standing outside my windows.... that's creepy. Now that we cleared that up let's get down to business. I am sorry that I have disappointed you by not doing the podcast more often. It was rather time consuming and you are the first person that claimed to like it. Most people never seemed to listen! As far as the videos go I can't say that I will stop doing them or that I will start appearing in them. I like making them and they are not terribly time consuming. This time you are the first person to react negatively to them. As far as talking animals are concerned... they are puppets, not animals. Anyway thanks for reading and keep up the stellar decision making!
Hope you enjoyed reader emails today. Keep writing to me and keep reading the blog!