Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Bear with me: the interview

She got a concerned look on her face as she looked at her mobile phone and said to me, "Bear with me for a moment."

That was not the first time I had heard this from her and I had only met her 5 minutes ago. I felt annoyed by this phrase more so then the fact that we kept getting interrupted. I was dressed in a 3 piece suit and interviewing for a job that I secretly hoped I didn't get but that I desperately needed. It was not a big deal that it was not going well or that I wasn't holding her attention. It was mainly the idea that she kept seeming so falsely apologetic. It is not like you can ever say "Forget that ya repulsive beast! I am not bearing with you, you either focus on my needs or I go home!" I am not the person in power, we are not meeting during my busy day, and I definitely didn't have something she needed so that she could pay the rent. She was the person in power, who made time during a busy day (sort of, since she was constantly dealing with other issues) and had a job available that could prevent me from eating paste and living in a refrigerator box behind the local Best Buy. The thing is that it wasn't even the fact that the phrase relies on a false belief that I am really bearing with you and that we are in some rough patch together. The phrase reminds me of that awful cat picture that has a cat dangling by one claw and above it are the words "Hang in there!" The cat is already doing that! Why doesn't that jerk of a photographer put the stupid camera down and help that cat out!? What you don't see in that picture is the huge vat of acid the photographer put under the cat. Stupid evil photographer! No one really likes that poster except for simpletons and soon to be crazy cat ladies. In fact one store had a promotion once where if you made a purchase they gave you that poster and the building was set on fire and the owner was run out on a rail. I am sure that last bit is completely true and in no way just popped into my head. Why am I talking to myself? Will this fricking lady get off the phone?!? Crap she is doing the sympathetic frown/smile thing, that shows she really values me but has to deal with the phone issue. Which brings me back to the original thought, why does "bear with me" get stuck in my craw? (BTW I hate that phrase too, who has a craw these days? Crabs with speech impediments?). The phrase, bear with me, bothers me because it is spelled like the animal and yet if I clawed her desk or pooped in her minifridge I would be in trouble. So somehow I am expected to "bear" with her without doing bear-like things. I should probably google the phrase.... It probably has nothing to do with bears.

"Sorry about that, busy day around here." She says as she puts the phone down. "Where were we?"

You had just asked the ever sucktacular question about what my weaknesses are and I was trying not to bear with you (meaning, of course, that I was resisting the urge to poop in your minifridge). "I am not sure exactly, I think I had just talked about some challenges I had faced that I had been able to find solutions for." When in doubt, change the subject.

"Oh.... ok... yes, I see that here... so why don't you restate that to me so that I make sure I got it all."

Wow, who is not paying attention to me at all? You aren't! Where should I start? I could tell her about the crazy guy that I made so happy he broke into dance. I made him happy by putting enough mayo on his sandwich and apparently I was the first to ever get it right. That probably isn't good enough..... what is believable but better then all my actual experiences? How about if that crazy guy wasn't crazy but he was someone who had a conference that I was able to negotiate a great price for food and beverages and he started doing business with us on a regular basis? Too far fetched? I got it I will just have him send a thank you note to the store thanking me for my tremendous effort and attention to details. Done. I think she liked it.... and now some witty banter from her. When will this end? I feel kind of hungry. Did she just offer me a job? Did I just say yes? People love sandwiches! I want a sandwich! I wonder if yelling random facts about bears would be ok at this juncture. I wonder if she likes sandwiches.

"I'll go get the paper work from HR and if you will just bear with me we can get you stated tomorrow."

That does it! I am at least going to urinate on her plastic plant.....

1 comment:

Michael Williams said...

Just for clarification this was an imagined scenario. The phrase was said by a few people recently and it really does drive me a little insane but I never urinated on someone's plastic plant. Not that I wouldn't....