Tuesday, November 28, 2006

"News" Shows Suck & the Weather Guy = Devil

Well we have had an eventful couple of days here in Portland. If you watched the news up here you would know that the second ice age was narrowly averted Monday and Tuesday. It was going to SNOW in Portland! Batten down the hatches! All hands on deck! And any other silly cliche you can think of when disaster is stalking your every move. I was really afraid that when I awoke I would find everything had been frozen and the technology had become obsolete. The cars frozen in their tracks and the grocery store doors sealed shut from the snow. I had expected a world full of woolly mamoths, saber tooth tigers and sloths. I had expected icy roads, snow that I would have to shovel and salt in my pockets. I had spent the better part of the night making a spear to get ready for the inevitable mammoth hunt. I no longer have any furniture left because I broke it apart to make spears, skis and snowshoes. If any one wants a sled I have the most awesome sled made out of my oven! The apartment manager did not seem happy about the fire I started in her rose bushes. She also said I was being indecent when I insisted on doing my half naked dance to the moon god. She doesn't understand that my half naked moon god dance was the only thing that saved us from the weather guys predictions. I mean I bought the world another few years and what do I get in return? An eviction notice! (By the way does anyone have a couch I can crash on?) I still regret the spears I made and the stove... yeah I have no clue how I was planning on cooking this winter. I wrote to the weather guy to ask if he could give me credit on the evening news but he requested that I remove him from my mailing list. I thought that was a little on the rude side. I had only emailed him a few thousand times this month about my indispensible help preventing Portland's flooding. It had been earlier in the year when we had experienced crazy nonstop rainfall in Portland. I had leaned against a building and it didn't get washed away. The weather guy said I was making fun of him and that I should stop emailing him. I said that he needed to recognize that because I prevented the building from washing away that I had in effect created the anchor that Portland needed during the time of the "almost" flood and without me we might have all ended up in Albuquerque. No one wants to end up in Albuquerque! Not even people in Albuquerque! I had bought a boat so I could rescue stranded motorists and people sitting on their roofs but did I get any recognition? NO! No I did not. In fact all I got was my boat reposessed! Guess who is not getting saved next year! The repo man, I won't even consider it! Another person I am not saving, the weather guy! Oh and don't forget the boat salesman! Jerks! I get no respect!

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