Saturday, August 08, 2009

A Rambling Review of The Unborn

I don't know what it is with the last 3 horror movies I have rented but Wow! They sure do suck. The 3 movies in question: Quarantine (I was laughing during this movie, another hand held taped report from people who don't make it out alive), The Uninvited (I say this movie sucked because I was wanting scary and it wasn't although it was sorta interesting), and The Unborn. I just watched The Unborn and I had to share how bad it was. So here is my review of The Unborn.

The above picture is probably the most engaging scene in the movie. The heroine in underwear.... what bliss! The thing is the movie is so bad it doesn't help. If you are looking for scary then you should look elsewhere. Let me break it down for you the above pictured underwear clad girl is named Casey; which only took the entire movie for me to find out. I am sure they said it before the end but I only hear her name with enough repetition to stick at the end. Even video calls to her friend lacks anyone calling her by her name.

We start the movie off watching Casey jog. She pauses to catch her breath and notices a glove on the ground. Then she sees a boy standing there. The boy has a white face and blue eyes that look like really bad colored contacts a weirdo goth kid might wear to make you think they were weird. Of course they are a goth kid so you know they aren't weird, merely pathetic. Anyway this little kid turns into a growling dog wearing a mask that looks like the creepy little boy. For whatever reason when it runs away she follows it. We soon discover this was a dream she is telling a friend about who is telling her what the dream means. Casey also happens to be babysitting a little boy and his baby brother. Of course she hears steps and whispering on the baby monitor so she goes to investigate and the little boy is showing the baby a mirror. She decides to stop him and he crushes it into her head and says "Jumby wants to be born now." In case you were wondering, this little boy is weirder and creepier looking then the creepy white faced and bad contact wearing boy. The next day she is discussing it with her friend from the phone call, her boyfriend and some random girl who never shows up again. The friend talks about a superstition that babies shouldn't see their reflection for a year after birth to keep them safe. I zoned out at this point.

Then the underwear scene happened. I zoned out after that and next thing I notice she has sex with her boyfriend. Which brings up an interesting theme in modern horror flicks. Apparently sex allows evil things to happen. I am not sure who is more against sex: religious organizations or horror movie directors. One of the first movies to make this point was Halloween. In that movie all the teens die except Jamie Lee Curtis and she is the only virgin. In fact, all the others die right after sex or during the act. So if you ever suspect you are stuck in a horror film please refrain from having sex. It could save your life.

Anyway the minute after she knocks boots the little colored contact wearing pasty kid starts upping the ante a bit. He shows up all over, sends icky insects at her and appears in mirrors. Then Casey's eye starts turning blue and we find out this is caused.... somehow.... by a twins random strand of DNA. She finds out she was a twin but that her bro died in the womb. Shortly after this.... YAWN!!! Sorry. Anyway somehow we find out, in the middle of the movie, that her mother was adopted and killed herself. Before she died she found her own biological mother. So Casey goes and has a chat with her. We find out that the little ugly kid with the bad contacts was her twin brother back when they were prisoners in a Nazi concentration camp. Apparently experiments.... brother dies.... body is possessed.... she knows... kills possessed bro... pasty, contact wearing kid is a little perturbed to be dead. Anyway the thing that possessed the brother is some old Jewish demon thing called a dybbuk. It likes twins because they are easier to take over, I guess. Casey decides she needs an exorcism... The dybbuk kills her grandma, inhabits the little boy she babysat, kills and inhabits her friend but she is the one who needs an exorcism. Aren't exorcism more affective if you go after the person actually possessed? But.... what do I know?

Anyway they have an exorcism; and her boyfriend and 8 other people helping out are killed. She and the only other surviving person, a rabbi played by Gary Oldman, think they got rid of it. Five seconds later we find out she is pregnant with twins and the movie is over.

So here are a few stupid highlights:

"Jumby" - Her dad tells her, when he finally admits she was a twin before birth, that the nickname given to the brother was jumby. Uh... what kind of stupid nickname is that? I think "jumby" has the right to start offing people. Why he didn't start with pops (who never reappears after he admits his daughter was supposed to be a twin) is beyond me.

the exorcism - I am still confused by the fact that she thought she should get an exorcism even though the other people were the ones being possessed. That is like calling a plumber to your house because your neighbor has a clogged toilet. She was never possessed.... Apparently one of her babies is though.

"The world is not safe" - Her boyfriend and her watch the possessed little boy (babysat kid), kill her friend and her friend becomes randomly possessed. Of course, as soon as that happens they cut away to an ambulance checking the still creepy but no longer possessed murderer... I mean kid. There is no sign of the friend nor is she really brought up again. Anyway she and her boyfriend are suddenly in a diner talking about it. He is rambling about the world no longer being safe and she is rambling about the world never actually was safe and people just pretend it is. This stupid conversation is fresh in our minds when the exorcism starts going wrong. The boyfriend frees her from her restraints during the exorcism that "shouldn't be stopped once it's begun". They run away while the other people are being killed by the evil spirit that has still never inhabited or posessed Casey. So if a hot Megan Fox looking girl named Casey wants you to help her be exorcised just say "NO!", because she will end up running away in the middle of it and you will be killed. Even worse is the fact that she was never even posessed. Getting back to the movie, boyfriend and Casey are hiding and maybe like five seconds of silence go by and she says "I think it's gone." Somehow she has transitioned from scared of everything to thinking everything is peachy keen. Of course immediately after that the boyfriend gets attacked and possessed and yada yada yada. Out of nowhere, the rabbi starts chanting the exorcism thing again and somehow "saves the day". So what happened between "the world is not safe" to "I think it's gone"? What made her think they were safe? How did she change her mind so quickly? I'll tell you how; bad writing.

Two African-American characters - I am sure you have all heard the African-American comedians talk about black people in horror movies. They joke about how they always are the first to die in these movies. In this movie they don't die first but neither makes it out alive. Her friend, who happens to be African-American, is the second character to die. Then there is a priest who dies within 5 minutes of being introduced. He dies at the exorcism and is possessed. He is the one who attacks the boyfriend. Anyway, it is amazing that the white rabbi lives and the African-American priest dies. The funny thing is the priest knows more about exorcisms then the Rabbi so it seems he should have been the one left standing. Once again we have a movie with only two African-American characters in it and both die. Awesome. Way to keep a stereotype alive.

Bottom line: This movie isn't even worth seeing to make fun of. It was pretty boring and the action scenes were boring.

1 comment:

Manda2009 said...

Yes i moved to Washington just because i wanted to. It was just something that happened. Where do you live? If it is close maybe we could meet up?