Dear Eli Manning,
I am sorry for my words and actions of late. I know you can't help being a mediocre overrated quarterback. In fact I am glad that you have done so well for yourself. Even if I question why someone would insist so hard that they were not interested in playing and living in San Diego. Have you ever been to a beach there? Has anyone wrote "I wish they could all be snarling abrasive women from the Bronx" and put it in a song? No, no one has. I guess what I am trying (and failing) to say is we are all different and we can't all live in California and chase Californian women....
I would also like to apologize about wishing for your early demise. I really did not want to see your head pop off or your leg get torn off and used to beat you severely. I guess I was just mad that you seem so inept and stupid yet you are a millionaire. Even though you never actually worked an honest day in your life. I really don't want you to get ran over by the team bus... that would be messy.
I received your mother's cookies in the mail today. I want you to pass on my sincere thanks to her. She makes some darn tasty cookies. I took them to work and every person that works there loved them. A few people at work told me they were really excited about your upset and hoped I would put in a good word to you. I won't be doing that but if you want to come to Portland and hang out I will introduce you to them. I am sure you can sponge off them since I am sure you are not used to having to pay for anything seeing as rich and famous people get free stuff all the time.
Anyway I want to reiterate that you actually played a good game, but remember you owe your win to the defense...
Well it was nice exchanging emails. No need to reply,
I know, I know, I did not take enough cheap shots at him but I felt bad for posting his emails that made him look like a 4 year old. So I only took a few cheap shots. I felt pretty good about what I had written to him overall and had not really expected much from him in response but I was wrong.
Dear Crazed Lunatik,
I am very glad you got the cookies. Thank you for saying I am the best quarterback ever. I knew you and I were the bestest of friends. I told Michael Strahan that you said he did a horrible job on defense and I think he is coming out to kill you. Sorry about that. I was having trouble reading with out my reading eye dog.... don't ask. Anyway when my dog came over and read the email it was too late to stop that crazy, man-eating Michael Strahan guy (I am sure glad he is on my team). I hope he does not kill you because I really like hanging out online with you.
My mom told me to tell you that you are very nice to compliment her cookies and that she won an award at the local fair this year for that recipe. My mom is a champion in the super "mixing" bowl. He he I made a funny. My mom says I am a very special boy. She says I have to put my safety helmet back on so hold on I will be back...
Your most bestest friend ever
A few minutes later he wrote again:
Dear Crazed Lunatik,
You know what I really wanted to be asked after I won? I wanted to be asked: "Now that you are a Super Bowl Champion what is next?" That was when I would yell "I'm going to Disneyworld!" I would have said Disneyland but my mommy told me it is in California and I am afraid to go to California... I saw Boys in the Hood. That is the reason I was afraid to go. I don't want to get shot while drinking milk and eating a chocodile... Then my team would have to go and shoot them and then the other team would shoot back and it is a cycle of violence I just can't get involved in.
Anyway thanks for asking me to come to Portland, see you soon! If Michael Strahan does not murder you to death.
Your most favoritest quarterback ever who is also your bestest friend ever!
So I guess we are cool as hades. I hope he lets me know before he shows up in Portland.... I have to clear it with my roomie. Oh and I hope Michael Strahan reads the blog before he kills me so maybe he will realize I was saying the Giants defense won the game.... and won't kill me.