Wednesday, November 21, 2007

A Rambling Review of THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM!

It occurred to me that as I was saying yes to seeing The Bourne Ultimatum, that I was in fact agreeing to see a movie I was not going to like. I hated the first two, the camera work is awful! I figure that if I handed the camera to my Nephew he would shoot a better looking movie. The camera would be more still and his angles would not suck nearly as bad as this director's camera work. I never really understood why this technique became popular... and I hate that people have copied this jerky camera technique. I like to call it the "Twitchy super-caffeinated 4 year old" camera technique. Ok, I just made that term up and have never in fact used it before this but it fits. As far as I am concerned the way they shot this movie can be directly linked to the decline of good quality cinema. Somehow, someone thought that adding a shaky camera as a character would heighten the intensity of what you are watching but in truth all it did was make me dizzy. I have to admit this particular movie was not as vomit inducing as the Bourne Supremacy had been but maybe my vomit inducer meter can take more shakiness and crappy angles then it used to. The story is ridiculously thin and well.... let's just dive in. You are checking out the rambling review of THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM!

In my defense it was viewed at a theater that not only serves pizza but also serves beer for you to imbibe while you view the horrible dreck they call movies. If it was not for the beer I would never have said yes... well I would have been less likely too anyway.

Matt Damon is back as Jason Bourne who seems to be some kind of ultimate human weapon. They throw all kinds of guys at him and occasionally they might slow him down a bit but he barely even gets hurt when he fights them. His hair does not even get messed up. He is also blessed with the ability to track anyone down and yet remain completely untraceable himself. He is like Osama, you know how somehow Osama can get his videos out but nobody can manage to figure out from where. If this movie were based in fact, the question would be: why would we even have a military when we have Jason Bourne? He could single handedly take out the world. Jason Bourne for president! Except that he is also a total retard because he can't manage to remember who he is and he has been trying to figure that out since the first movie 5 years ago.... Really? You are like really good at finding people, disappearing from people trying to find you, and killing people yet you can't seem to recall your name? How freaking retarded can you be? Well apparently not nearly as retarded as the evil overlords running the NSA. They roll with the shoot first and ask questions later routine. It amazes me.... I mean why not bring him back in? Why continue to do things that keep pissing him off so that he has to single handedly take you down? You have a whole division of guys plus people you term 'assets' that are just killing machines and yet one guy can bring you down? Really?

The Story (SPOILER ALERT!!! This part contains the storyline, which means I tell you the story. So if you insist on seeing it for yourself and you do not want to know what happens don't read the part right here, just skip to the recommendation part, if you do not heed this warning you can't blame me!)

We open with a scene where Jason is being hunted down like a dog. He goes into a medical facility where he starts having flashbacks while he tries to cure his wounds. Meanwhile, two police officers follow his trail of blood and are ordering him to do stuff in words that produce white letters at the bottom of the screen. I have decided it is my goal to learn a language that puts my words in front of me so people can have the joy of not only hearing my words but can also choose to read them too! Back to Jason who is bleeding to death.... some guy tells him to do something... I am not sure what he said because I refuse to read other people's statements but it seems to totally piss Jason off. So Jason gets all hostile on his butt and takes him out and was just about to shoot the other guy when he started pleading for his life. Jason decided to leave and not kill this guy and managed to somehow escape the entire police force who are also looking for him but they don't show how he manages that feet. A boring reporter scene and an incompetent NSA scene. Then we see Jason on a train and he is reading a story about himself in the paper..... yeah. Totally stupid right? Some hack reporter that has crap for brains and will end up having slush for brains after getting shot in the head is able to find out a lot about Jason by the unheard of approach called 'asking someone'. So once again you have to ask yourself..... how does Jason not know who he is yet? Anyway the NSA totally freaks out and they try to kill the reporter and Jason and of course manage to just shoot the reporter (who decided he knew more then Jason who survives for a living). On top of it they shoot the reporter in the middle of Waterloo freaking Station! Why would that be a good idea? Wouldn't that make you wonder why he got shot? Wouldn't it make what he was reporting headline news? It doesn't of course and the movie continues to boggle your mind. Jason somehow manages to know exactly where the reporters had stashed his hand written notes that contain his 'secret' source. Naturally Jason goes after the source and is too late but runs into Julia Stiles and once again evades the NSA. Julia Stiles's character, Silly Face (I swear that's the characters name), helps Jason find the reporter's source. They run off to another country and once again end up being late. Jason pulls out a can of whoop a** on an 'asset' that is trying to kill Silly Face and Jason too. Then he ditches Silly Face and goes to the US..... and gets in the 'borders' without anyone noticing, which is probably the most plausible part of the movie. He fools the NSA again, and then another time and I think maybe even one more time. What is funny is Jason is not trying to kill anyone but they keep forcing him too and you think why can't they just have a sit down with this guy and clear the bad air? Well apparently the government is a bunch of meanies! Well boo freaking hoo let's get a new idea, we get it! Hollywood thinks the government is evil... ok, already they're mean and evil, whatever you say, just move on! Then we have the not so amazing discovery that Jason is not quite as much of a peach as we all hoped this crazy one man department, miltary, and country destroying machine was... which is all I have to say about the movie.

My recommendation? See this movie with beer and pizza. If you find yourself without beer or pizza? Totally skip it. It would suck so much worse if you view it while totally sober. Unless of course you have a thing for Matt Damon....

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